Comedifans: On Vacation

As you may have noticed, there was no "Comedifans" episode released this week in observation of the Memorial Day holiday, which was a busy one for the both of us. But, you can look forward to a new episode next Tuesday, and blog posts over the course of the week on a bunch of different topics!

Comedifans Post-Game - Episode 032

During this week's episode, my phone went off. It vibrated four times. Concerned that it may be some type of emergency, I checked my phone. Of course, this opened the door for Golak to start questioning me, and for me to inevitably get embarrassed and uncomfortable as I don't like to discuss my private life unless it's under my own terms. When I saw who the texts were from, I was not concerned that it was an emergency. I later checked the texts. Three were from a girl. We will never speak of those texts again.

The other text was from my buddy, John. Here was the exact text message: "Andy Van Slyke's son Scott, of the LAD, just hit his first MLB HR."

I have no idea why John texted me about this fact. I am not an Andy Van Slyke fan. He is not an Andy Van Slyke fan. Andy Van Slyke played for the Pirates. Neither of us are Pirates fans. John did come with us to Boston (he was responsible for the great Bob Stoops story from Comedifans Episode 031). Did we talk about Andy Van Slyke in Boston? If so, why? There were a lot of questions, and not many answers as I chose not to respond back to John's text.

In other news, I did play in today's kickball game with my injured ankle. I was 1-for-4 , but I must say that all my 4 kicks were quite solid, though unfortunately hit in spots where the opponent's talented outfielders could catch them.  I also played first base well enough. We lost the game, 9-0, ending our season. So, if I wake up tomorrow with further bruises on my ankle, we all know that this was all worth it.

Comedifans - Episode 032

Sumukh and Golak are joined by the very funny Michael Meyers. The three talk about soccer, eating meat, Indian people, sport injuries, NHL playoffs, the Heat, pep rallies, Sumukh's phone, NBA playoffs, and drug dealers.

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Capitol Words

I got directed to something kind of cool via a Facebook ad in my right margin. I know, I know. That little chunk of pixels to the right of my feed finally paid off, what are the odds? Usually just a barrage of TV show and t-shirt ads, today I saw the heading "baby, abortion, fetus." What was this? A sample set list of a horrible first time comic at Scarlet and Grey Cafe? A morose "which of these does not belong" game? Nope. It was the heading for an advert for the site capitolwords.org. Capitol Words is a site that lists the top words or phrases used by individual politicians or the collective of the politicians in a state.

"Baby, abortion, fetus?" The top words of Rick J. Santorum. Not his top 3 though. His top 3 are actually "partial-birth, abortion, and procedure." Just barely cracking the top 20--"inserting". His 20th favorite word--usually the cause of words 1 and 2. In the top 10--"wade." I'm guessing the compatriot of "roe v." But maybe he's a Heat fan. I knew there was a reason I hated this motherfucker.

You can also view by state as opposed to a particular politician. What about my great state of Ohio? Well, the first city mentioned in the word list, at #2, is Cleveland. It's also mentioned in 3 of the top 5 two-word phrases. Yay, go Cleveland! My hometown, fresh on the lips of Ohio's politicians. Must be because it is such a good time, top spot city. However, this could be because politicians know Cleveland is a good place to get some free money and cheap power. The 20th most popular five-word phrase? "We recognize the tremendous hard." Also, a possible cause of Santorum's 1 and 2.

Besides city names and the similar, Ohio has cool, political words you'd expect a great swing state with a few booming metropolises to have: "amendment, medicare, nuclear, republican, nafta." Now, while no New York or California, you can see the difference in word selection from a relatively dense and flourishing state like Ohio and a "fighting off the sweet release of suicide everyday" state like North Dakota. A sample of their top 20: "forks, folks, wheat, somebody, anybody, ought." If that sample isn't just dripping with...well nothing. I don't think I could ever live in a state where the 8th most used word by politicians is "wheat." But maybe I could. In May 2012, that word was used 83 times by Democrats and only 2 times by Republicans country-wide, and since 1997, the word has been used by Democrats more overall. They must be talking about Whole Foods. Fucking hippies.

Anyways, I found this site to be pretty interesting and fun to nerdily waste time on for a little bit. There is even a search function. I used it to find out that, of all the states, "Justin" is the most popular in Ohio. Thanks Capitol Words, but I could have told you that.

Sanjay A. Review: Trina's Starlite Lounge

Sanjay A. is back! Check out his Yelp review of Trina's Starlite Lounge in Somerville, MA! Also, feel free to let us know if there is any spot in Columbus or anywhere else that you would like Sanjay A. to review!

The Twists and Turns of an Ankle and the Internet

We've mentioned both on the “Comedifans” podcast and in a previous blog post, “Try to Catch Me Ridin' Dirty”, that I've been called a dirty player when playing sports. This is still a debate, but I certainly do give 100% effort whenever I'm playing any sport.

Golak and I are currently in a kickball league. Kickball has a lot of the fundamentals of baseball, and I never actually played baseball when growing up. So, for example, while I play center field, I know how to catch the kickball. But, if the ball gets hit over the head of the left fielder, I have no idea what exactly I should do at that point and where to run to in order to help him out. So, while I understand the rules of the game, the strategy involved in it can be a problem for me.

This issue goes for base running as well. In my brain, all I think about is running as fast as I can and beating out any throw that could get me out. This works fine with first base, but with any other base, I have consistently been running past the base because I cannot slide or slow down properly.

This problem came to haunt me on Wednesday night, when I overran second base, went to turn back, and twisted my ankle. At the time, it was not fun for me. However, for everyone else, it had to be hilarious. First, you see a guy overrun a base. Then, you see him twist his ankle. Then, you see him shout profanity. Then, you see him just fall to the ground. Then, you see the girl on second base throw the kickball at his lifeless body. I was able to get up and walk off the field, and I played the remainder of the game still hobbling from the ankle twist.

Strangely enough, in all my years of playing sports or doing any type of activities, I have never injured myself. I was hoping to keep this streak going until the age of 30, but I suppose this was bound to happen. With the number of half marathons that I've done and my reckless nature in any sport, something was going to go wrong.

Since I had no idea of how to really deal with an ankle injury, I of course went to the Internet to find answers on how to deal with it. Sometimes, I am in awe of the Internet, and have no sense of what we did before it. If I suffered this injury in 1992 (which is probably when I should have suffered any kickball-related injury. Why am I a grown adult playing kickball?), what would I have done? Call up a friend who had an ankle injury before? Directly go to the emergency room?

That last question actually led into one of my interesting finds from the Internet, which was this article revealing that too many people go to emergency rooms for minor ankle injuries. I knew in this situation that there was no need to go to the emergency room. I could walk on the ankle, and I could endure the pain. My definition of “emergency” is pretty intense. I would need violent amounts of blood for me to actually take the steps to go to the emergency room, which makes sense considering I'm a “dirty player” who overruns bases.

We all know that the Internet can be insane, too. WebMD ends up giving you diseases you never thought were possible. In this case, WebMD suggested crutches or a walker and to not walk on the ankle for 24-48 hours. What? I'm not going to take a day off work for a non-severe ankle injury. What single man in his 20s has a walker just sitting around for his use when he gets an ankle injury?

I followed the instructions that seemed reasonable. I laid down in bed and iced my knee. I'm also not a person that has a lot of aspirin around. I don't really get headaches or feel that I need pain relievers for any circumstances. So, I had to take a look through my medicine cabinets and found a bottle of Aleve with an expiration date of January 2012. This discovery led into reading this article on drug expiration dates. Feeling that it was okay, I used the expired Aleve and have yet to die from the effects of the ankle injury.

I wondered if it was possible that it could be a severe ankle injury, and I just didn't know it. I learned more about high ankle sprains. In an attempt to see what a high ankle sprain looked like, I went to the Google Images section. It contained some photos of ankles, but also many photos of New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski. It didn't make much sense, and then I realized that a high ankle sprain was responsible for his limited play in this past year's Super Bowl. There was even this nice Rob Gronkowski photo.

As time has passed, the ankle seems to be healing fine. It is swollen and bruised, and I perhaps will not be able to play in the next kickball game, but at least thanks to the Internet, I didn't spend too much time being concerned or paranoid despite the journey that the World Wide Web took me on.

I hope to be injury-free again for another two-plus decades of my life. However, I will always have a fear my next injury will be like this one...

Icing

Last week I posted about a sketch I was in as part of Matt Horn's new YouTube channel, Mostly Rotten. I can't recommend this channel enough if you're looking for funny video sketches. Before the Super Heroes sketch, I got a cameo role in an earlier sketch where I play "Guy At Party 2." Watch me improv about ICQ!

My Favorite Hip Hop Feature Performances

It used to be that a feature spot on a song had a few different connotations for an MC. Many times it was a throwaway spot to spice up a pop or R&B song. Nobodys and neverwouldbes would hit a track for 16 bars and then fade back into relative obscurity. It was like its own genre of one-hit wonderdom. Or, if an established rapper took a feature spot on a song, it would be a rare, usually successful, foray for a single or, many times, a soundtrack song or the like.

Anymore, it seems to be its own end goal. You have your Ludacris's and your Pitbull's making it to a place of individual success only to take that fame and recognition and seemingly backslide into a career of hip hop freelancing. Maybe if you feature you get to fill out a 1099 for your appearance and you save money in the long run. (Boom! Tax joke). Either way, I find it silly and backwards, and I, like the ornery old man I seem to be quickly becoming, wish it was like it was back in my day. Below our 3 of my favorite feature performances of all time (back when they used to do it the right way!).

Paula Abdul - Opposites Attract (Featuring MC Skat Kat)

The 90's was a sweet time to be animated. Sure you could do cartoons, but with the Roger Rabits and Space Jam crews of the world mixing it up with real celebrities, there was no boundary to what you could do with your animated self. MC Skat Kat, in the "Opposites Attract" video was actually voiced by two MCs--The Wild Pair, Bruce DeShazer and Marv Gunn. Besides the hot fire spit by The Wild Pair, the video itself actually had some talent behind it too. The video was directed by Michael Patterson who did the animation work on A-Ha's "Take On Me" video. (You can see that song hilariously used in a SAGAttack video.) Patterson apparently believed that all women in the 90's wanted to hook-up with cartoons--bestiality optional. MC Skat Kat went on to get his own crew, The Stray Mob, and an album, The Adventures of MC Skat Kat and the Stray Mob. For that album he was voiced by Derrick "Delite" Stevens. Their single, Skat Strut (with Abdul now in the feature role), got solid video play on MTV, but the record and single ultimately flopped.


Salt-N-Peppa - Shoop (Featuring Otwane Roberts, or "Big Twan Love-Her")

Salt and Peppa were in need of "shooping." They recruited Otwane Roberts to fill that position. He was apparently the "cutest brotha in the room," so why not? Otwane never went on to record any other songs. But, for me, the idea of sexing someone to the point of them being mentally disabled--with the line, "12 inches to a yard, have ya soundin' like a retard"--is a lyric that will go down in hip hop history. However, with math like that, you have to wonder who is really leaving the sex session with a diminished mental capacity.

Aaliyah - Back In One Piece (Featuring DMX)

Here's my favorite example of a quality artist venturing into the feature game without becoming a full time 1099 MC. And also, DMX's allusions to dogs make this a better, fully live action "Opposites Attract" if you ask me. A DMX/MC Skat Kat duet in the future? One can only hope. The duo's name, Kats and Dogs. The album title, It's Raining. You're welcome music.

Comedifans Post-Game - Episode 031

Initially, I wanted Golak to write The Comedifans Post-Game for this week. He did take up 72 of the personal record 92-minute podcast of the show talking. For me, it was hilarious because I'm his friend. I have no idea how the random listener felt about it. I'm sure Golak feels you loved every second of the 72 minutes. I'm not so sure. You easily could have wondered what was up when he proclaimed that he missed me, acknowledged he made a strange comment about ranking guys, and ranted crazily about free kicks, then ranted crazily about “pink slime” (these are the moments where I wondered what was up). But, nevertheless, it was a fun podcast and new approach for us to try to do the show individually while on the road.

Given that, I figured I would expand a little bit on my time “on the road” particularly focusing in a little further on my experience at Fenway Park. I will take a page out of the Golak 72-Minute Playbook (I'm sorry, I'm really pouring it on, but seriously, I couldn't believe he actually spoke for 72 minutes when he was supposed to do 20) and rant a bit about my issues with Fenway.

As I mentioned on the podcast, I took issue with the feel of Fenway. We sat in the bleachers for both games, and the crowd's interest in the actual baseball game was anywhere from total focus on something that is not baseball to kind of caring about baseball when the Red Sox scored runs. As someone who considers himself a purist in a sense with baseball, I don't take my eye off of what is most important, which is the game. Sure, I might zone out for a second or strike up a conversation with a friend that I am with, but I'm still there for baseball. Today, I listened to a B.S. Report podcast episode from last week In it, JackO mentions that Fenway Park is now just a “fancy, trendy bar.” I felt that way. As I mentioned on the podcast, for some reason, there was always a beach ball popping around during Friday's game. Then, the crowd would boo when a fan or a security guard would take the beach ball away. So, let me understand this right, you boo not being able to play with a beach ball and Josh Beckett in Boston? Okay, that makes sense.

They both then discuss “Sweet Caroline,” which is something that I cannot stand. First of all, I'll admit that I don't really like the song much to begin with, but really don't like it since it's part of the Red Sox fans' enjoyment. I really disliked it in that movie, Fever Pitch. That movie sucked. I suppose if it was about being a tortured Cleveland Indians fan, then I'd like it more. Actually, I'm not sure that I would. Thank God for Major League. When “Sweet Caroline” played on both nights, I didn't sing along at all. I'm an Indians fan. There is absolutely no reason that I should be involved in it. I sat there and watched these people sing along to it. There are a number of YouTube videos of people singing “Sweet Caroline” at Fenway Park. I would post a link, but I don't even want to do that on this website. That's how much I can't stand it.

In that way, I much rather prefer what have become the norms of all baseball parks between games. Sure, I don't mind seeing Ketchup, Mustard, and Relish race each other. Sure, I don't mind watching the JumboTron to see someone in the crowd answering a trivia question to win a prize. Sure, I don't mind watching a video of which ball a cap is under. This is fun stuff.

When it comes to songs, the other thing I noticed is that Fenway Park does not do “God Bless America” during the 7^th Inning Stretch. I thought this was the norm now. Where are we at with “God Bless America” and the 7^th Inning Stretch? Are we past our patriotism and our memories of 9/11? Is this only a New York thing? I feel like when I was in Camden Yards last year for a White Sox-Orioles game that the song played. I guess time has passed enough for Boston to just dislike New York again.

I can't knock Fenway Park at all for its history. There are a lot of greats that played in that park: Ted Williams, Carl Yastrzemski, Oil Can Boyd. The list goes on and on. The Green Monster is certainly a sight to take in as a baseball fan. So, when it all comes down to it, if you're a baseball fan, you got to see a game there.

But, to be honest, you're always going to truly love your home park, and Jacobs Field (again, not Progressive Field. I'm being purist.) is still on top for me. Also, this is way better than “Sweet Caroline.”

Comedifans - Episode 031

Sumukh and Golak hit the road! Golak reports from Aruba and talks, for perhaps way too long, about NHL Playoffs, gambling, soccer, day drinking, Indians baseball, lady sized sports apparel, baseball fans, and meat. Sumukh checks in from Boston and talks about strange conversations, Big Ben, celebrity sitings, Fenway park, and the Tribe.

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Super Heroes

Check out this sketch from friend of SAGAttack, Matt Horn featuring me and Sumukh, and another SAGA friend, Laura Sanders. Horn's YouTube Channel, Mostly Rotten has some great content so check it out and subscribe.

I'll be out of the country from today until Monday night, so I may miss my Monday update...I know, I know, only 2 weeks in...but if so, I'll definitely double dip with a regular Thursday update and a Friday post. Comedifans will still be good to go on Tuesday with me and Sumukh both reporting from the road and possibly some special guests!

Comedifans Post-Game - Episode 030

The Great White Hype. It was mentioned at the top of Episode 030, so it can be mentioned at the top of this post. While not a great movie, definitely worth of a library pick-up (yes, that is an official rank in my rating system). Damon Wayans and Samuel L. Jackson (as a Don King type) are quite funny, and the movie sports a rather robust cast of characters outside of that--which the movie trailer does not hesitate to tell you about. Outside of that, while mostly silly, the movie does occasionally touch on some good satire of sports, particularly boxing. So, if you're a boxing fan, this movie may move up from "library pick-up" to "rent from video store" (Does this rating still apply? R.I.P. North Campus Video.)

Finally, let's touch on marriage proposals. Me and Sumukh are against public marriage proposals (and maybe marriage in general...). Brooke is pro public marriage proposals (and dog ring bearers). But more importantly, she claims that all women are a fan. I would have to disagree. But let's take it to the people! Ladies (or Gents, since we brought up women proposing to men, and/or men proposing to men in allowable states (Fuck you North Carolina!)), weigh in below in our poll and we'll go over the results in two weeks on Episode 032.

VOTING CLOSED

Let me just point out 2 exhibits below:



And to close out on the subject of marriage, the gay marriage ban passing in North Carolina is pretty enraging. Suck on this North Carolina (Yes, I realize Duke is also in North Carolina, but it still makes me happy to post this knowing it ruined half of North Carolina's day.)

This blog post was brought to you by parenthesis.

Comedifans - Episode 030

Sumukh and Golak sit down with guest Brooke Cartus. The group talks half marathon, Cinco de Mayo, weddings, Mayweather/Cotto, baby names, NHL Playoffs, NBA Playoffs, and Khloe and Lamar.

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Laugh Long Time!

Sometimes comedy shows are bad.  A lot of times, even if during the show is painful, the memory can be quite hilarious--especially when reminiscing with fellow comics.  My favorite story to shoot with comic friends isn't necessarily about a show.  The particular show I bring up was actually somewhat decent to perform at.  However, it was spawned from one of the most hilariously bad marketing pages I've ever had the honor to be a part of.

Early in my stand-up career I was asked to be part of the "Fresh Faces of Comedy X Tour" by Mullet King Productions.  Prestige just rings off those words, I know.  They needed a newer comic who might still have the sway among his friends and family to bring them out to a bar in Hillaird, I needed $20.  Only the latter was achieved.  While I had been performing long enough that said sway had weakened, I mostly just personally chose not to use what little I had left on this performance.  Mullet King Productions needed to get people out.  To the internet!

I can't believe this site is still live.  Hosting fees, domain name charges--someone is paying good, hard-earned money to keep this site alive.  For fear that it will go down any day, I've attached some screenshots.

This is the page.  Awesomely enough, almost everyone on this show went on to become, or are quickly growing into, great, working comics.  Save for Darren Butler.  You'd think that someone who won the clap-off at a local open mic with 5 of his friends in the crowd (out of a total 6 audience members) would be destined for stardom!  (Sarcasm).  However, he thought that.  He did buy the domain best-comedy.co.cc.  Don't try to go there, the domain has expired.  Oh, sweet irony.  You can still like "Best Comedy" on facebook.  You can be the 6th.  The other 5 must have been the people in the audience on that sweet, career-booming open mic night.

But don't worry, this show is packed with talent.  Like me!  I'm turning the heads of bookers and Hollywood agents!!!  Sadly, that is just as untrue today as it was about 3 years ago.  I'd like to, one day, have an agent.  A Hollywood agent would be nice, but I'm not picky on city of origin.  And I'm sure, if that day comes, his first piece of advice will be to do more 15 minute spots in Hillaird, Ohio.  The funniest thing to me though is the phrase, "You'll laugh 'long time.'"  I assume that is a reference to the movie Full Metal Jacket and the famous line it spawned.  Which prompted me to think 2 things:  Does the guy booking this show think I'm Asian?  And, if he does, does he think I will not be offended by this but instead welcome it in my bio?

Outside of my personal blurb, Travis Irvine's might be my favorite.  Simply, "Is he really running for the mayor of Bexley?"  Great pitch!  But, the funniest part may be, that out of all the bloated, unrealistic facts presented for each of the comics on this page, this is the one fact that could be Googled and immediately found to be true.

On a side, closing note.  R.I.P MCA.  I am a huge Beastie Boys fan and was very excited for their Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame induction earlier this year.  The Beastie Boys became part of the SAGAttack family early in its incarnation when the song "So What Cha Want" became the music for the opening of theme of "The Sumukh and Golak Attack" when it first hit the airwaves of Public Access.

The Capital City Half Marathon

I participated in the Capital City Half Marathon yesterday. It was the fifth half marathon of my illustrious running career (the only way I can stay in any level of shape) and no doubt would produce yet another mediocre result in the standings.

The morning started off well with a banana and a granola bar, and some general pump-up music to get me going at 6 A.M. Friends and I then carpooled our way down to the start line of the race.

One of our visits was to the port-a-potty. Hey, you got to make sure all bodily functions are covered prior to the race. I never feel entirely comfortable in a port-a-potty. Then again, I'm not sure anyone should. I often fear that the lock will just get jammed and I'll be stuck in the port-a-potty for the rest of my life. I also must say that it's weird to see poop in a port-a-potty. I understand. You got to poop, and it's before a race, but I now have no choice but to look at it.

I tried to get in at least a little bit of stretching, but as usual, the corrals were starting to fill up, so I needed to find a spot in the pack. The anticipation for the start of the race is always fun. Every person is excited. It's the kind of environment that you'd like to see everywhere. Also, a DJ plays a bunch of music to keep the crowd going. If you're wondering, yes, I heard Survivor's “Eye of The Tiger” and AC/DC's “Thunderstruck” multiple times. A surprising addition near the beginning of the race was this song that I had not heard in a while:

The race begins. I started off with a friend of mine at a slower pace than I signed up at. About three minutes into it, with people starting to spread, I decided to head off and began running through the crowds. Even just two miles in, I was starting to feel it a bit. The stretching was not as good as I would have liked! Why did we hang out more at the port-a-potties than stretch?!

In order to prevent myself from stopping, I bring a water bottle along with me. This allows me to not have to stop at Refueling Stations, which means I can at least kind of avoid the chaos of people dashing over for water and Gatorade, but doesn't prevent me from being hit in the head by a flying cup. Luckily, no such circumstances occurred. I just had to dodge tons of cups on the ground as usual.

I don't wear an iPod during the race. In fact, I don't own an iPod, which is odd considering how much music I do listen to. I am certainly in the minority by not wearing an iPod to the point that a friend in our carpool considered me crazy for not doing so. But, hey, I guess I'm old school. The long distance runners of the mid-20th Century didn't have such amenities. They also may not have had the same dieting planning as we do for races. They also couldn't set things up so that their times could be tweeted during the race (yes, that was available). Hmm, perhaps long distance running back in the day was far more reasonable.

As I didn't wear an iPod, I had the opportunity to enjoy the sounds of the race including DJs and random musicians. It ranged anywhere from a couple guys rapping encouraging words to off-key singing of ballads (which I'm hoping was a joke) to, hey, is that LMFAO playing yet again?

From mile 3 to mile 8, things started to feel a lot better. I was picking up the pace and was creeping up towards the goal that I needed to break my personal record. Sick of drinking what had now become warm water, I pulled out an Apple Cinnamon granola bar and started eating it. By eating it, I mean just shoving crumbs into my mouth as it had been jammed into the pocket of my water bottle. Not only was my face covered in sweat, but now it had random crumbs to complement it.

The granola bar and water always would give me a boost, but I was starting to fade as were many of the other runners. It's always an odd feeling to watch a fellow runner be treated by paramedics on the side of the race or just watch someone vomiting. As I checked my watch, I accepted that I was slowing up and not likely going to reach my goal. I looked out for my own safety, and after finishing up all the water in my water bottle, I stopped off at the final two Refueling Stations to ensure I was well hydrated for the final stretch.

I crossed the finish line, which is not surprisingly always an exhilarating feeling. I took a cold bottle of water and chugged it in less than a minute. Then, comes the food, where I basically take anything that's handed to me just so I can taste something other than the nothingness of water. “This is an asiago cheese bagel,” said the guy in front of the box of bagels. I don't care. It's going in my mouth. “How about some calcium chocolate?” At this point, I don't care if the element in the chocolate is lead.

The post-race is fantastic. I end up running into friends, co-workers, people who I haven't seen in a while, and even people who have seen a show and complimented me on my comedy. Everyone is positive and feels a sense of accomplishment. Oh, hey, we also get one free cup of Michelob Ultra? Oh, hey, we also get Ohio's #1 Top 40 Cover Band, Swagg?! Needless to say, I felt like Lance Armstrong while grooving to “Tik Tok.”

The best sign of the race was one that said, “You have great stamina! Call me!!” The woman holding this sign looked way too excited. Other memorable moments included me seeing 10TV's Andrea Cambern cheering on racers, an attractive woman blow snot out of her nose while she kept running, and an ambulance nearly taking out a ton of runners in the intersection thus potentially creating another emergency other than the one they were trying to attend to.

The official results had me finishing at 1:56:34. It was well below my personal record of 1:51:52, which I was hoping to improve on. But, it's not all about the time. It's about the experience, the challenge, and caring about your health. We all should follow the words of the woman in this hilarious clip that I cannot embed. Now, it's time for me to spend a week eating junk food.

This Week...Fun Shows, Not The Usual Crowds, and Shots!

On Monday night, I performed at the Funny Bone in Columbus. The headliner for the night was Mike Polk, a Cleveland comedian who is well recognized for his hilarious viral videos. If, for some reason, you haven't seen his most popular video, here it is:

Polk has done a series of videos about being a Browns fan as well including this memorable one (on a hilarious side note, this video may have been the kiss of death for Ryan Pontbriand, who was cut later in the season):

So, as a Cleveland native myself, it was pretty cool to be a part of this show. It was well attended by many people wearing Cleveland Browns and Indians T-shirts. It was kind of like bringing a Cleveland sports event into the realm of comedy, and thus merging two things I love into one for a night.

After my set, I found myself in a situation that can often happen at shows. A crowd member wanted to buy me a shot. I'm not much of a shot drinker, and thanked him for the offer, but said it was not necessary. He continued to push and looked like the type of guy that puts down shots pretty easily, so I finally agreed and said that I'd take a shot of Crown Royal, which is my go-to of liquor that I enjoy and also still makes me look like I actually am good at taking shots (I'm not really). When the guy returned, he brought back a shot for him and his friend which was some type of fruity mixed shot and then gave me the Crown. Well, had I know we were doing fruity mixed shots, I would have gladly taken one of those. Now, I felt like a jerk to have requested Crown plus I was drinking a shot that I did not even particularly want. But, it's hard to not offend someone who appreciated your performance while also trying to not convey that you're not much of a shot drinker.

Last night, I had the chance to see professional wrestler (and now stand-up comedian) Mick Foley perform at Woodlands Tavern. Rather than perform written jokes, Foley did a Q&A with the crowd that led into humorous stories. It actually worked a lot better than being a pure stand-up comedian as most people were out to see him because he was a wrestler and are wrestling fans. As a result, much like the Polk show feeling like a Cleveland sports comedy event, the Foley show felt like a wrestling crowd showed up to watch comedy. There was more ruckus than would be expected of a stand-up comedy show, and we cheered not necessarily at jokes but at strong comments as if Foley were trying to convince us of how hard he was going to pulverize an opponent in the ring. If you're not familiar with Mick Foley, here's his most famous moment. He had plenty of other hardcore moments in his career, which explained his noticeable limping at the show.

So, it's been a fun week of comedy with shows that were really good, but perhaps had a different feel than just a normal comedy show or comedy crowd. Also, if you're going to buy me something, please buy me a beer and not a shot. Or, just say kind words. That's good enough for me.

FrankenFood

By now, I'm sure most of you are familiar with Pizza Hut offering a pizza with hot dogs wrapped in the crust or Taco Bell offering the Doritos Loco taco shell (Cool Ranch coming in summer!). I'd love to see more foods coming together for the benefit of mankind. Below are some of my dream food combos.

1. Chicken Fried Mashed Potatoes

I love fried chicken. That probably has been established, disturbingly enough, by me and Sumukh in this blog before. But for the ultimate fried chicken experience, you need sides. Mashed potatoes are the Kind of Sides. The Robin to the the Batman that is fried chicken. KFC has already realized that their food is best enjoyed in tantalizing, mushed up bites ensuring a full-rounded flavor'splosion with the introduction of their "KFC Famous Bowls." Let's just take this the logically delicious step further. Take a ball of taters, flour it up, drop it in the frier, and serve one up to me. Gravy dipping sauces available Original, Brown, and White Country Style.


2. Macaroni & Cheese Nachos

Now, I have to admit, a prototype for this was created around 2004 by me and my college roommate Jon Perry (cleverly nicknamed "Perry"). Seeking sustenance, we decided to blend our minds together and come up with the perfect food. Achieving near perfection on the first try, the dish goes, layered--from bottom to top--in a giant casserole-type dish of your choosing then put in the over for 10ish minutes, tortilla chips, macaroni and cheese (Velveeta Shells & Cheese preferably), ground beef, salsa, a light sprinkling of cheddar cheese. Food companies seeking a new dish, I will sell you the rights to this cheap with this getting out to the public ASAP being the main concern I have. The general public, you're welcome.

3. Super Cookie Ice Cream Sandwich

Again, this is one that comes from the J-Golak personal library. Best part about this one: it is technically offered right now! I include it on the list because it is not explicitly offered, but available. Which is a shame and a major societal oversight. At any United Dairy Farmers (UDF), they now offer the option of creating your own ice cream sandwich with either an Oreo or chocolate chip cookie base. You pick the ice cream, they fill and serve. Most people probably go a classic vanilla or chocolate route. Amateurs! I, last summer, went chocolate chip shell with cookies 'n' cream innards. It was one of the best things I've ever eaten. Oreo shell with chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, while not tested by me, seems just as likely to get you hard/wet (depending on your parts).

Feel free to comment with any oversights you think the food companies of America have missed!

Comedifans Post-Game - Episode 029

The Career of Thomas Ian Nicholas:

Probably best known as the high-cheese throwing kid pitcher from Rookie of the Year, Nicholas went on to be in other things! Unfortunately typecast--as a little league player that ends up in whacky situations--Nicholas went on to start in A Kid in King Arthur's Court. As mentioned in the podcast, it is based on a Mark Twain novel of almost the same name and the trailer starts off in a way that it appears to be a sequel to Rookie of the Year.

Sequels wouldn't be out of the work schedule for Nicholas, however. He first starred in a sequel to A Kid in King Arthur's Court called A Kid in Aladdin's Palace. This sequel was apparently not even popular by "somewhere on the internet" standards. No trailer appears on YouTube, but there is a clip from the movie by someone who, while not a Nicholas fan, seems to be a Doom 2 fan.

With the sequel bug now wiggling inside him, Nicholas went on to star in all four of the American Pie movies (that were in theaters)--sadly having me owe Sumukh a beer as I was for sure he stepped out on American Wedding.

Now in a band of some sorts, we at SAGAttack.com (I didn't ask Sumukh before writing this, but I assume he agrees) wish Thomas Ian Nicholas the best!

P.S. Don't forget about the best (sorry Nicholas...close second though) Thomas Ian--Thomas Ian Griffith! Best known as Terry Silver from Karate Kid 3, Griffith is awesome in the movie Excessive Force. Thanks to the beauty of a $4 price tag and an awesome free shipping policy by Amazon, that movie will be being owned by me very soon. It must have been sweet to be a cop or bad ass in the 90s. No one knew how to defend high, spinning head kicks! Perfect that move and you could kick undefendable ass all day long. Also, as of typing this, the full movie was available by not one but two users on YouTube. Yay, internet! Enjoy.

Episode 028 Appendix - Powder Drinking Game:

Rules:

Any time someone says energy - 1 drink

Any time there is visible electricity - 1 drink
If the electricity interacts with Powder - 2 drinks

Any time Powder does something crazy smart - 1 drink
If he's using a special power like telekinesis - 2 drinks

Any time people "don't get" or are scared by Powder - 1 drink
If he's being actively bullied - 2 drinks
If Bradford Tatum (John) is doing either - "Ten" drinks for his resemblance to Eddie Vedder

Any time Jeff Goldblum mentions Einstein - 1 drink
If it's to Powder - 2 drinks

Any time someone breaches the realms of consciousness and reality, expands the arena of normal human thought and existence, and, in turn, transubstantiates into pure energy - weep and finish your beer.

Wikipedia research allowed me to find out the fact that Powder recently was given a Bollywood remake. While the trailer isn't subtitled, it seams to be a fairly good representation of the source material. However, it does seem odd that in this version, the "Powder" character is dark in skin tone than the female lead. So, if you can't find a copy of Powder at your local library, maybe try finding a copy of Alag at your local Indian Grocer.

Comedifans - Episode 029

Sumukh and Golak are back with a guest. Dan Loper joins the two and trio talks The Browns' Draft, The Browns' 2012-13 record predictions, Thomas Ian Nicholas, the American Pie movies, Mark Twain, Indians baseball, the AL Central, the conclusion to Sumukh's weight training tease, and a new Comedifans feature that can be found at SAGAttack.com every Wednesday.

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