Stuff I Made Up But Wish Was True

-89% of women say they enjoy sex the most when a man ejaculates within 2 minutes of the start of intercourse. Out of those women 78% said the reason they enjoyed it was so they had more time to cook their mates macaroni and cheese and buy them video games.
-Pepper Jack sauce, the condiment found on the Cheesy Gordita Crunch which is sold at Taco Bell, increases the sensitivity of neuron receptors in the brain making you more alert and helping you process information quicker. Dosing is most effective during the hours of 2am-4am.
-Despite its success at the box office, the next remake of The Karate Kid will be a reboot of the franchise. The reboot will be aimed at a more adult audience, carry a Hard-R rating, and be littered with violence and nudity. Initial casting has Jean-Claude Van Damme playing Daniel, Dolph Lundgren playing Johnny, Samuel L. Jackson playing Sensei Creed, and Eva Mendes playing Ali. Pat Morita will reprise his role as Miyagi as he has not, and will never, die.
-LeBron James died today. While driving, James turned in front of a large truck and was T-boned. The driver of the truck survived relatively unscathed, however James and his passenger, Art Modell, were pronounced dead on arrival.
-A terminator robot was sent back to 1992 to kill John Connor. Due to a programming error the terminator robot accidentally killed Bill Hancock, Executive Director of the BCS.
-Weird Al Yankovic is President of the United States of America.
-Strippers in Ohio are no longer required to wear pasties on their bare breasts. However, a new provision requires them to wear one giant one over their mouths.
-King Cobra Malt Liquor is loaded with anti-oxidants.

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