News Attack - Malls Try Reverse Goodwill Program For The Holidays

In order to help the less fortunate in countries around the world, Malls around the United States are trying out a new "Reverse Goodwill" system. The system works by taking brand new clothes and shipping them to people around the world who could otherwise not afford them. After they are appropriately weathered, they are returned to mall stores and sold to shoppers.

Director of Sales at American Eagle, JoAnn Saunders, said, "It really is a great program. We ship jeans to Africa for 6 months. After that time period, they are shipped back to us full of holes, fraying and wear, and we sell them in our stores for approximately $40 a pair. Win, win!"

Marketing Executive at The Buckle, Matt Moster, echoed a similar sentiment, "We're helping people and our shoes come back worn and our jackets nice and tattered and ready to be actually sold."

The Buckle customers agree. Chaz Steiner said, "Dude, buying a bad-ass, frayed out Affliction shirt or some destroyed Lucky jeans is dope. But knowing you helped somebody, that's hella dope."

Some local boutiques and specialty shoppes are following the mall store's lead and enacting a similar, and more long-term, program. Vintage-Clothes-a-Rama sends clothes over to poor teenagers in struggling countries and lets them keep the clothing for 8 years and then they are sent back to the store when they become hip and ironic.

5 People You Meet In The Food Service Industry

1. Mean Person

They come through the door with a bad attitude. Maybe a bad day at work. Maybe crazy traffic. But most likely they just hate their life and now it's time to make you hate yours. Count on at least 2-3 things being "wrong" with their order/service. They love to talk to a manager and apparently love the taste of bodily fluids in their entrees. Your only solace is the knowledge that you're about to win the break room bad-customer-off at the end of the night. Work on your impression of the customer during your next smoke/bathroom break. While the demographic for this type of customer can be quite varied, if you see a women over the age of 55 come in, be prepared.

2. Overly Nice Person

Them: "How you doin' today?!?!" Your Mouth: "Great!" Brain: "I wish you had died 5 minutes ago so this wouldn't be happening now." Overly Nice Person is way worse than Mean Person. You wouldn't think so, but it's true. Mean Person is not only tolerable due to your ability to possibly enact covert, food-tampering revenge on them while mocking their shitty voice to your fellow employees, but also the fake, company-mandated niceness you have to use to counteract Mean Person helps slightly neutralize this customer's long term effects on you. Kind of how scientists say that forcing yourself to smile can actually make you feel happier. ONP doesn't offer you any of that. In fact, his ridiculously sunny disposition only highlights how much you hate where you're at right now and the fact that you have to stay here the next 4 odd hours and work that double on Saturday.

3. Chatty Person

Sometimes can overlap with Overly Nice Person, but usually not. While ONP can be a chatty Kathy, a true chatty customer usually keeps his inane conversation in the complaint department. "Oh, man work today..." "It's so hot/cold/humid/snowy out..." "Did you hear about..." Look, if you're not talking about the things you want to shove in your face hole, the person attending to you could not give less of a fuck about what you are saying. But mainly, they're just wasting your time with all their pointless fucking questions and comments. And in the food industry, not only is time money, but this customer is also stealing away those few precious minutes you get to stick it to the man by getting paid to text your friends and take mini-naps in the bathroom.

4. Coupon Person

"What can I get with this?" is usually what you'll here from these people. They're going to waste your time because they don't know what they want. They don't even know what this restaurant serves or if they like it, they just know coupons give them big stomach-boners. When you can't make a major substitution or change the terms of the deal and still honor the coupon, they cry "Bullshit!" Yes, getting a meal at 25% or more off is really bullshit. I hope you choke to death on your free side, someone at your table takes the leftovers home and serves it to everyone you love for an after funeral snack and they all choke and die too. If you're a server, don't count on a tip. Unless the coupon says they need to leave one to get a free drink.

5. Children

When working food industry, I HATE me some children. But I hesitate to go too hard on them because while their actions are the direct cause of some of your worst shifts, they're really just the middlemen in the hate process that you really have for their parents. I'm just saying, the kids getting into the syrup fight at the table in the back probably don't have a lot of positive direction at home. Regardless, the children parent combo is the WORST "person" by far. Not only are you texting your girlfriend immediately after the first chocolate milk they spill to remind her not to forget to take her birth control today, but now every customer in a 10 foot radius of this shitshow is a staunch pro-choice supporter.

SAGA Montages: "The Decision"

We are starting a series of videos called "SAGA Montages" in which we put together a photo montage on a person or an event to a song that symbolizes the spirit of the video's topic.

Our first montage has been created in the hope that it can put to rest all the talk and the parodies regarding LeBron James's "The Decision." It happened months ago, and it's over with. We should all move on. So, in a final attempt to bury this subject, we put together a retrospective of photos to the tune of "I Don't Know" by the great blues artist, Keb' Mo'.

Old School Minute - The Box

Now, before I talk about something really cool, I'm going to have to mention something pretty uncool. So, for some reason, a few weeks ago, this song popped into my head:

I have no idea why. But, whatever, it was definitely a very funny one-hit wonder from the 90s and listening to it again made me smile. But the real cool thing this song made me remember came not from the video directly, but from the logo in the top right corner of the video.

The Box was one of my favorite things about growing up in the 90s. Now, if you don't know what The Box is (or you want to take a trip down memory lane) check out this short Wikipedia article HERE. Cliff Noted, The Box was a music video channel. Why better than MTV? First, you didn't need cable to view it. Depending on where you lived. In Cleveland, I believe it was channel 23, and you could get it with just a pair of rabbit ears which was great for the music video lover on a budget (which me and my cousins who I watched it with were around this time). But even when I got cable at my house, I remember more than once unhooking the box to watch The Box. Why? Second, the viewers picked which videos The Box played. No, not in half hour chunks like Direct Effect or TRL, but always. It was like a music video jukebox controlled by people in your viewing area. Pretty rad even by today's standards. Basically, you would call up a 1-900 number and for a few bucks you'd pick a song and it'd play in about half an hour (give or take, depending on request traffic.)

I watched The Box a lot when I was younger, and like I mentioned before, it was a favorite with me and my cousins who I hung out a lot with in the middle school/high school days. Although we watched The Box frequently, we only called to request a song one time. It was “Champagne” by Chris Rock. It seems like an odd choice, but you have to remember The Box was so awesome, it rarely wasn't playing something we loved, so there was only one time we felt the need to take matters into our own hands. And in retrospect, the song is still pretty fucking solid. Now, when I first mentioned the song, you may have thought of “No Sex In The Champagne Room”. Not that song. This song was just called “Champagne”, and it was an insanely perfect parody of the the “shiny suit” era of rap music.

I don't know what's funnier, the fake Tiger Woods cameo or the real Nipsey Russell cameo.

Two Princes Trailer

From Variety:

"After acquiring the movie production rights to all songs recorded by the Spin Doctors, Justin Golak started pitching movies to all the major studios. When they collectively told him to fuck off, he decided to produce the movie himself with his good friend Sumukh Torgalkar. Check out the first trailer for the epic tale, Two Princes. Starring Sumukh and Golak, and featuring Laura Sanders."

Throwback Wednesday - MacDuncan's Commercial

So, remember when McDonald's had those commercials where people would go call up there friends and be like "I'm gettin' some Mickey D's!" and then everyone would get excited and they'd go party? Well, that's what we were going for with this spoof-tacular. Happy Throwback Wednesday!

The Sumukh and Golak Attack Goes HD

Thanks to Sumukh, and his purchasing of a new camera, SAGAttack is now in High Definition!

News Attack - Company That Produces 'Silly Bandz' Sued Over Copyright Issue

Yesterday, papers were filed against BCP Imports, the company that produces Silly Bandz. The documents were filed by Alfred Clifford Slater, CEO of Buddy Bands Inc., and claim that Silly Bandz infringed on its copyright.

Slater claims that the idea for a collectible, shareable "band" was an idea patented by him in 1989. BCP Imports claims that the two products are fundamentally different and believes the lawsuit is without merit.

BCP Imports President, Teresa Simmons, released a statement which said, "...BCP Imports is the founder of the Silly Bandz product which is a product that in not infringing on any trademarks held by Buddy Bands Inc."

When reached for comment, Slater said, "That momma is crazy. If that babe thinks BCP can get away with this, she is dead wrong."

Buddy Bands Inc. is no stranger to controversy. In 1989, shortly after foundation of the company, Buddy Bands was sued by Friendship Forever LLC after they alleged that "Buddy Bands" were a direct rip off of their product, "Friendship Bracelets."

Slater has been the company's CEO all the way since 1989, only taking a small leave of absence from 1991-1993 to wrestle in WCW under the name "The Pig."

Throwback Wednesday - Awkward Moments

Added Epilogue - Independence Day

Now, most of the time, the cruelest thing I think an author or director can do is have their book or film, respectively, conclude with an open ending. I've invested all this time in these characters and this story and now I have no closure?!

Consequently, I personally love a good epilogue. Especially in a movie. Not only do I get closure for the characters in the current narrative I've been following, but with a few short sentences, I get to find out the extended path each character follows.

It made me think, how much better would an epilogue-less movie be if one was added to the end? With that thought, I present to you: Added Epilogue. And the first movie I decided to try it on, Independence Day.

LeRib

While watching the Browns' glorious victory yesterday with Golak and our friend Maggie, I deduced two things during every commercial break: one, Jim Belushi and Jerry O'Connell standing next to each other with intimidating looks is possibly one of the funniest things ever and the McRib is back and loved by people of all races. From an advertising perspective, it feels like all I've been exposed to this week are McRib commercials and parodies of the LeBron James “What Should I Do?” Nike commercial. After thinking about it, I realized there is a reason behind the advertising planets aligning: the McRib is the LeBron James of the McDonald's menu. Here's why:

The McRib shows up when it wants.

For reasons that are unclear to me, the McRib is available only for a limited time before it returns back to being the taint of some form of animal and not touched by anyone at the McDonald's corporation. Much in the same way, LeBron James shows up for a limited time during the playoffs before he returns back to being the taint of Maverick Carter.

The McRib doesn't want to do it on it's own.

Come on, McRib. You know you have the sandwich talent and the following to be the most popular sandwich on the menu yet you're now willing to consistently work alongside the likes of the Big Mac and the Quarter Pounder. What the hell? Don't you remember dropping 48 of you on a family of 5 from Detroit?

The McRib had its “What Should I Do?” moment

In 2005, the McRib went on a Farewell Tour and had a “Save the McRib” campaign. It was a self-indulged ploy to gain more attention. I don't have any evidence, but I'm fairly certain Jim Gray was involved.

Some people are visually disgusted by the McRib, while others just love it.

When looking at the McRib, many are just plain grossed out at the sight. They want nothing to do with it and have had enough of its appearance right off the bat. Others love the McRib, enjoying every sight and spectacle involved with it from the dripping sauce to the smell of its onions to its whiny nature.

Come back next week. I may have a Wendy's Spicy Chicken Nuggets/Dallas Cowboys infrastructure comparison lined up.

Stuff I Made Up But Wish Was True

-89% of women say they enjoy sex the most when a man ejaculates within 2 minutes of the start of intercourse. Out of those women 78% said the reason they enjoyed it was so they had more time to cook their mates macaroni and cheese and buy them video games.
-Pepper Jack sauce, the condiment found on the Cheesy Gordita Crunch which is sold at Taco Bell, increases the sensitivity of neuron receptors in the brain making you more alert and helping you process information quicker. Dosing is most effective during the hours of 2am-4am.
-Despite its success at the box office, the next remake of The Karate Kid will be a reboot of the franchise. The reboot will be aimed at a more adult audience, carry a Hard-R rating, and be littered with violence and nudity. Initial casting has Jean-Claude Van Damme playing Daniel, Dolph Lundgren playing Johnny, Samuel L. Jackson playing Sensei Creed, and Eva Mendes playing Ali. Pat Morita will reprise his role as Miyagi as he has not, and will never, die.
-LeBron James died today. While driving, James turned in front of a large truck and was T-boned. The driver of the truck survived relatively unscathed, however James and his passenger, Art Modell, were pronounced dead on arrival.
-A terminator robot was sent back to 1992 to kill John Connor. Due to a programming error the terminator robot accidentally killed Bill Hancock, Executive Director of the BCS.
-Weird Al Yankovic is President of the United States of America.
-Strippers in Ohio are no longer required to wear pasties on their bare breasts. However, a new provision requires them to wear one giant one over their mouths.
-King Cobra Malt Liquor is loaded with anti-oxidants.

Please feel free to leave Stuff YOU Made Up But Wish Was True in the comments section below!

Happy Diwali! (Hindu Pyromaniacs Rejoice!)

Happy Diwali! Or, in my case, Happy I'm Going to Have to Explain to You What This Is Unless You Have The Basic Knowledge of It from That Episode of “The Office!” It happens every year. Diwali, the festival of lights, is the biggest holiday for Hindus and a number of other South Asian religions.

Throughout my life, people have asked me, “What is Diwali?” After struggling through forgetting which gods were actually involved only to realize there are a number of different stories/reasons behind the holiday of which I know none of them well enough, I just give up and say, “It's like Christmas, but for us.” This is probably the equivalent of providing the answer, “Look it up on Wikipedia” or “Please leave me alone.”

I have a number of jokes in my act about Hinduism in large part because I grew up around parents who are devout and because I think that the subject is territory that hadn't predominantly been touched upon by many comics including Indian comics. With that topic comes the same burden that has plagued me since I was a kid: educating people about Hinduism.

Here's my definition of Diwali as a kid: my parents sang a religious hymn while I got to hit a spoon against a bowl in rhythm, my Mom made a lot of great Indian food, we prayed, my Dad handed me an envelope with money in it, then we ate. I now understand why I continue to care about Hinduism. It was a wonderful form of religious brainwashing. I got paid to be Ringo Starr and Adam Richman in the same day.

The sad fact is that not a lot has changed in that definition since I was a kid. I still value my faith but turn to it for its philosophy in such texts as “The Bhagavad Gita” and “Upanishads” and for occasional visits to the temple for my own self-purity and relaxation. When it comes to actually gathering the history and explaining it to people, well, it's a learning experience even for me. Some of the jokes that I've gathered over the past 4 ½ years of doing comedy have come from conversations I've had with my parents about Hinduism or discovering things about my faith through reading. I can feel bad about it, but the reality is I have thousands of years of texts and stories to understand to get a full idea of anything. And, frankly, the Indian names and gods can sometimes be as tough to remember for me as they would be on any non-Hindus (how fast can you say Dhritarashtra?). But, I'll keep on learning and joking around about it in the hope of allowing people to learn as well.

In writing this blog post and doing the necessary research, I now have a full idea of what Diwali is. Diwali is the Hindu celebration of the birth of Christ. Hindu calendars are different, and his birthday changes every year dependent upon when the full moon occurs, which is the peak time of his birth and his morphing into a werewolf.

Note: if you're in Columbus, please join me tonight as I celebrate Diwali by telling jokes at “Comedy Under the Influence” at Zeno's (384 W. 3^rd Ave. in Victorian Village). Show starts at 9:30 PM and features other great area stand-up comics Justin Golak, Travis Hoewischer, Travis Irvine, Laura Sanders, and Dan Swartwout!

Throwback Wednesday - The Sunshine Trailer

So, remember that First Season of SAGAttack I mentioned a few posts ago? Well, we have all those episodes and sketches on the interwebs, so every Wednesday, for the next 11 weeks, we'll post one sketch from Season 1 for you to enjoy! So, enjoy!

If you want to see the long M. Night interview that inspired this, check it out:
Here: Part 1
and Here: Part 2

Old School Minute - Ice Cube - It Was A Good Day

One of my, and my site partner Sumukh's, favorite songs from the 90's is “It Was A Good Day” by Ice Cube. With a slow, cool, melodic beat and positive lyrics it's perfect “hangin' out” music. If you haven't heard it, or haven't heard it in a while, the song is basically a morning to night run down of the perfect day from rapper Ice Cube's perspective. And I have to admit, from top to bottom, no hyperbole, it is a pretty awesome day. However, everyone is a little different, and Cube's perfect day might not exactly sync up with your idea of a perfect day. So, after listening to the song recently, I decided to list the top 3 things in Cube's song that I'd include in my “Good Day” and the top 3 things I would exclude or replace.

Top 3 Things I would exclude or replace:

1. “And momma cooked a breakfast with no hog.”

Now, whether Ice Cube prefers no pork with his breakfast for personal taste or religious reasons, I'm not 100% sure, but I definitely have neither hang up. In my perfect day, momma would have cooked up a breakfast with a superfluous amount of hog. Think Denny's Grand Slam, but home cooked, and French Toast instead of pancakes. I would also definitely “pig out” on that.

2. “Called up the homies and I'm askin y'all, Which park, are y'all playin basketball?”

I think some physical activity in the afternoon would be great on a perfect day, however, basketball is low on my list of favorite recreational sports. I would probably just call up one homie and ask at what court was he playing tennis. I did play in high school and do have some skills, but I am for sure not “trouble” when you “get me on the court.” However, if I was really “fuckin' around” I could probably pull of a 6-0 against my friends, and that would make for a pretty “Good Day.”

3. “Took another sip of the potion hit the three-wheel motion.”

I would definitely partake in some cocktails on my perfect day, but drinking and driving, especially drinking while driving, is no good. DUI, car accident, etc. are all things that could end a “Good Day” right when you thought everything was about to wrap up nice. I know earlier the cops “rolled right past” you and there's no “helicopter lookin' for a murder”, but just because you've gotten lucky with the cops earlier in the day, doesn't give you the excuse to test them at the day's end. No license, no car, and you're definitely not fuckin' “Kim”. Which brings me to the next part.

Top 3 things I would keep:

1. “Shake 'em up, shake 'em up, shake 'em up, shake 'em.”

Craps is my favorite gambling game (possibly tied with blackjack). And while I don't have friends to throw dice with around home, a Windsor, Canada trip filled with debauchery and craps playing at their nice, new casino would easily be included in a perfect day.

2. “Picked up a girl been tryin' to fuck since the 12th grade.”

I know exactly where Cube was coming from on this one. I had a huge crush on a girl in 7th/8th grade, and during college I went back home for the holidays and ran into her at a bar. Now, she was definitely a shadow of her former self in both the looks and personality department, but I didn't care. And throughout the course of the night it became quite apparent that something could happen between us that night. I had a girlfriend at the time, so I declined any advances, and while it is not a major regret by far, if I didn't have an excuse not to, I would have taken my opportunity to throw 13 year old Justin a bone (No pun intended. Ok, maybe a little.). So, cheers to you Cube!

3. “Two in the mornin' got the Fatburger.”

Late night, drunk eating is a must for any perfect day. I would go with White Castle or Taco Bell since there are no Fatburgers in Ohio, but that's fine. But, ultimately, if I had my choice, I'd be chewing down my favorite late night food from my college days at Ohio State: PJ's. Basically, they serve sandwiches with 5 to 6 items that would consist of full meals on their own...with a side. I suggest the Fat Rat with spicy fries.

Sumukh and Golak 24

"The Sumukh and Golak Attack" started off as a public access TV show on Adelphia Cable in the Cleveland, Ohio area. The first season consisted of 3 roughly half-hour long episodes. Anything produced after that is considered "Season 2" of SAGAttack.

This video is the first sketch of the arbitrarily titled and everlasting Season 2. While Adelphia Cable remains defunk, SAGAttack marches on! Enjoy.

The Sumukh and Golak Attack

Welcome! This blog was created by Columbus-based stand-up comics Sumukh Torgalkar and Justin Golak. The site will feature funny videos and funny articles produced by the dynamic comedy duo.