Sumukh's Year in Review Stand-Up Set

Ring in the New Year with Sumukh telling you a very personal, and never before told, story about his life which summarizes his 2010.

Sumukh's Guilty Pleasure Song of 2010!

Is it possible to label a song released in 2009 as your “Guilty Pleasure Song of 2010”? In my world, yes, because I'm odd and I don't work for a major media outlet which would take issue with such an article. But, that was the kind of impact that David Guetta's “Sexy Bitch” ft. Akon had on my 2010. Take a look at the song and video and then read below on what I learned from the genius of Guetta as I danced like a madman on many a night in 2010 to this song:

(Be aware that this is the edited version. The unedited contains more scantily clad women including two of them who choose to engage in a kiss for our viewing pleasure. Needless to say, I chose to take the respectful route for this post for our fans under the age of 18 – thanks, YouTube rules!)

What makes a guilty pleasure song for me is a combination of how catchy it is and how much you just want to hate the song because it truly is terrible, but you can't because of how damn good it is in its badness. That's where Guetta is a genius. The beat is head-bobbingly (not a word, but should be) good and well worth a grind that produces boners on the dance floor. Its lyrics are so hilariously bad when actually analyzing them yet you can't stop yourself from yelling them along with the song. Here are the examples:

“Neighborhood whore.”

Analyst: You probably should get out of the neighborhood if there's a whore hanging around especially if she's an actual whore.

Me on the Dance Floor: NEIGHBORHOOD WHORE! (point to sky, then throw down arm, as if putting said neighborhood whore into her rightful place)

“I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful.”

Analyst: Have you never talked to a woman before in any type of normal social setting where manners are needed?

Me on the Dance Floor: DISRESPECTFUUUULLLL! (dance that involves my arms spread out and a facial expression of confusion)

I also have to give it to these two guys: they managed to create a music video equally as ridiculous as the song. The best moment is when Guetta and Akon first meet – I've never seen two men so genuinely excited in a way that makes them look like they don't belong around these hot women at all. Their movements make Balki and Larry's “Dance of Joy” on Perfect Strangers seem like a hotbed of heterosexuality. Also, how awesome would it have been to be a male extra in this music video? “Okay, all you need to do is shake hands with this guy, jump around here and there, grind on this hot, nearly naked woman, and jump in this pool. You'll get your check at the end of the shoot.” Every one of those male extras should be kissing their agents' feet.

So, a round of applause for David Guetta and Akon as they resoundingly destroyed runner-up Rihanna's “Rude Boy” in order to win my “Guilty Pleasure Song of 2010”!

www.ColumbusisFunny.com January Update!

www.ColumbusisFunny.com is the exclusive source for all things you need to know about Columbus stand-up comedy. It has been updated for January, including many shows featuring your favorite duo, Sumukh and Golak. Check out the line-up, then check out a show!

DMX interviewed about Joke Jams!

Joke Jams - January Edition is January 6th at 9PM @ Kafe Kerouac.

Featuring Comedy by Justin Golak, Chris Coen, and Anthony O'Connell. Music by Adam Smith.

Samuel Kingsley wishes you a Merry Christmas!

Samuel Kingsley (played by Sumukh Torgalkar) gives a brief history of Christmas. Pick up his new book, sold exclusively at The Book Rack!

Throwback Wednesday - Drug PSA Rip

One Football Fan, One Section, One Stadium

I enjoy football. I like playing the game. I like watching the game. However, I don't obsess over it or go entirely bananas over it. There is a certain level of expectations that I have with being a fan of the game, and my hope is that would be the same perspective that all fans would have, but of course, it is not.

Many people love going to concerts. I love music, but something about the concert atmosphere isn't as appealing to me. But, with football, the environment and atmosphere of watching a game live is unlike any other sport. Anywhere from 70,000 to over 100,000 people packed into a stadium cheering with the smell of beer in the air. It is an ambiance that is unique to the game itself.

I don't attend many football games – perhaps one or two per year at best, so it makes the moment in a season where I do go to a game that much more special. But what was once an enjoyable atmosphere of both cheers and jeers from crowds now seems to be getting ever more insane.

I spent part of my recent vacation in Miami, which allowed me to go see my team, the Cleveland Browns, play the Dolphins in Joe Robbie Stadium (there is no need to call it whatever sponsor now has the naming rights). The Browns have a loyal fan base, so it was no surprise that roughly 40% of the stadium was populated with Browns fans, and in the particular section I was in, it seemed there were more Browns fans than Dolphins fans. As I'd find out, most of the people were either abnormal or getting progressively intoxicated or both.

Within the first quarter, it became clear that we were seated in front of the most annoying woman I've ever dealt with at a sporting event (and potentially in life in general). At the most random times, she would yell comments. To me, there is an appropriate time to yell at a sporting event – a touchdown, a sack, an important completion, a controversial call. A 2-yard gain is not appropriate. There are also appropriate things to yell such as “Tackle him!” not “Murder him!” Also, it would be nice if obscenities weren't shouted out unless it was in fact an extremely crucial play or something really amazing did occur. It's also preferable if this profanity wasn't shouted while the child that you brought to the game was seated next to you. It also makes sense for you to not rip on your team's quarterback when your defense is out on the field and the quarterback hasn't done anything specifically wrong at this point in the game. It's also preferable that you not let out a blood-curdling scream randomly that makes Janet Leigh look like she was whispering.

To counter this Dolphins fan's yelling, the Browns had their fair share of representation. An elderly gentleman chose to yell roughly every 15 minutes for the coaching staff to run a play for Evan Moore. I've never encountered someone who had so much passion for a back-up tight end or actually just one specific play being run over and over again.

My expectations at that point was that this was going to be a long, annoying game dealing with these two characters. But, as the game progressed, people were getting further and further drunk, which made things far more entertaining and was probably for the best since it was turning out to be one of the more boring games I've ever seen live.

Two Dolphins fans began an inter-Latino racial back-and-forth (“Brown on Brown” argument may be an appropriate term). At first, I thought they were friends, but then it became apparent they were just drunk and jovially trash talking with one another about one of them being Cuban.

Added to these characters was the whole backdrop of the LeBron James move from Cleveland to Miami, which then led to a woman in a LeBron shirt having debris being thrown at her, which again she apparently had no problem with as she was drunkenly jovial along with the “Brown on Brown” Cuban guy.

Everything seemed fun again. In its own distorted way, it was bringing back the types of things that make football enjoyable.

Then, the Browns won on a last-second field goal and the game ended. That's when the two worlds – annoying and entertaining met in a storm of idiocy. The annoying woman decided to continue her rant about how “the Browns suck.” It's not a great idea to talk about a team sucking after your team just lost to them – you have to logically know your course with your trash talking. One of a crew of Browns fans attempted to calm her down, while also pointing out that the Browns had won. This only furthered the situation as she got up in his face. Well, this then prompted this guy's drunk girlfriend to want to get in on the action because the Dolphins fan was “up in her man's face.” She was restrained by others in her group. I exited the scene as fast as possible leaving behind my Dolphins stadium souvenir cup, which I should have had all these individuals autograph.

When it comes down to it, this has always been a part of football – alcohol, screaming, highs, lows. But, between a Browns fan tackling an 8-year old in a Jets jersey weeks earlier to this mix of shenanigans I experienced in Miami to plenty of other stories I've heard from friends with their experiences in other stadiums, people need to realize that a majority of fans in a stadium are there to see the game that they plunked down their hard-earned money to watch. Your expert advice need not be shouted (which, by the way, no one other than us can hear you...also, do you actually think coaches are factoring in your thoughts with their play calling?) at every second. Just watch, drink, and enjoy. Give the respect to the game that it deserves.

If you stop yourself from all the shouting and the negativity and the unnecessary portions of this world of competition, you can take in the type of feeling Daniel Ruettiger in Rudy had when he enters Notre Dame's stadium and says, “This is the most beautiful sight these eyes have ever seen.” However, please don't cry at the stadium in the same way that line makes you cry every time you watch the movie.

Fun and Awkward: A Brown Man's Guide to the Airport

I find racial profiling at the airport to be absurd (when I say absurd, I mean it in the form of the comically absurd and not in any form of anger towards the situation). So, as a brown man who travels alone and could potentially be confused along racial lines for being a terrorist, I take an absurd approach to being in the environment of an airport. In my mind, I have absolutely nothing to hide, and at 5'9” and 145 lbs., this is the only place where I can walk around and actually feel like I'm intimidating people. So, I play the role. I never smile. I look around as if trying to find the other guys in the operation. I relish the concerned looks on people's faces. Have I gotten pulled out of the line at the security checkpoint? Sure. The average brown man may be annoyed by airport racial profiling in its general form, but my annoyance actually comes in its implementation more so than its existence.

In the lead-up to my trip, I was hounded by the media coverage of the full body scanners and the concern over its potential violation of our privacy. Despite this issue and the numerous wrongs that have occurred to some individuals as a result of full body scanners and more intense checks, I found myself having no problems at all going through the security checkpoints.

Currently, the Columbus airport has decided to have TSA officers at gates as well to do further random checks (in this case, it was just checking the ID of each passenger prior to boarding the airplane). I was seated at my gate dressed casually – a T-shirt and jeans with a spring jacket and a Columbus Blue Jackets hat on my head. I could be confused more for an American (which I am) than a terrorist (which I am not). Then again, I could be a terrorist which the terrorist cell purposefully dressed up as to look American. “Give him a Columbus Blue Jackets hat...make him look like he's from the area! Plus, it's obscure—not like a Detroit Red Wings hat, which would make him seem too American and blow our cover!”

As I sat at my gate, I was reading David Cross's book, I Drink for a Reason. Two TSA officers were walking around the general area of the gate either doing nothing, talking to each other, or making general chit-chat with some of the people waiting with the subject matter being probably related to their vacations – since it was a flight to Orlando, there were a number of families on their way to Disney World. The two officers approached me a few minutes before boarding began for the flight as I was sitting reading my book. Here is loosely the transcript of the conversation:

TSA Female: “How's that book?”

Me: “Uhh, it's funny. I'm a fan of his stand-up comedy, so I like it.”

TSA Female: “Oh, what's it about?”

Me: “Well, basically, each chapter is him just picking a topic and then making fun of it or making points and joking around about it.”

TSA Female: “Oh, so it's a comedy book?”

Me: “Yes.”

The conversation went on like this until I finally admitted I was a stand-up comedian (to be honest, if you want to get the TSA off your back, use this line even if you're not a stand-up comedian – once they know you tell jokes, this automatically means you are no longer a threat under the apparent notion that “he's funny, so he couldn't possibly kill us”). The male TSA officer then talked to me about comedy which culminated in him asking to see my name not for any actual security purposes but rather to say that he wanted to tell people that he met me if I ever make it big. Given how long my name is and how uneventful this experience was for him, I'd be impressed if he remembers who I am. I will be more impressed if I actually become famous.

All in all, the main point of this situation is the uselessness and ridiculousness of the conversation as a whole. In it, both the TSA officers and myself know what's going on. I'm being judged purely by my looks. While I'm not for that, I understand it, and have nothing to hide. However, what's silly is the notion of trying to cover up racial profiling. Over the course of the conversation with both officers, their supposed cover for the conversation got shredded apart. It began with the female officer not even realizing it was a comedy book, thus acknowledging that she had no idea who David Cross was, so why even express an interest in the book? On top of that is the silly connection being made that a man reading a book called I Drink for a Reason could be deemed threatening (again, I'm willing to sidestep this notion under the idea that my terrorist cell Americanized me for this trip or if, in fact, it's revealed that 9/11 terrorists were reading Keyshawn Johnson's Just Give Me The Damn Ball! prior to their actions). The male officer's conversation with me about comedy only further concluded that he knew little about the subject – he likewise had no idea who David Cross was and did not know Arrested Development when I referenced it as a show that Cross had been on.

Essentially, rather than this sideshow of faking the racial profiling involved with some sort of mask of interest in talking to me, I'd much rather you just not question me or just ask me for my identification to review. I do not mind having an awkward but pleasant conversation as this one was, but given the actual content of the talk, it seems so silly for there to even have been a back-and-forth between us. Absurdity exists because there is no humanity left in this entire process. Just as people feel they are sacrificing their rights to enter body scanners, I feel I'm sacrificing my authenticity as a human being. If you wish to talk to me, talk to me out of an actual interest in the conversation. If you wish to talk to me under suspicion, then follow the necessary reasonable guidelines to check who I am, and let's get this over with.

In conclusion, I returned home safely. I live to travel and intimidate once again.

Throwback Wednesday - Sean Paul Interview

This is one of my favorite things from me and Sumukh's Public Access days. It is stupidly long, hilariously edited, and quite ridiculous, but it's a kind of ridiculousness I find endearing. I hope you enjoy as well.

Old School Minute - Black Rob - Whoa!

If you don't remember Black Rob, then you are most people. He came to be around the year 2000 when he dropped his first album "Life Story." The album was released under Puff Daddy's (I believe he still went by that at that time) label, Bad Boy Records.

Not to be confused with White Rob.

If you remember anything about Black Rob, you probably remember the first, and only, single off that record, "Whoa!"

The thing that always sticks with me about "Whoa!" is that it clearly wanted to introduce the word Whoa into the American lexicon. It even has a quick introduction to the word at the beginning of the video, informing you that, "When you see somethin' ill, you know what I mean, that shit is whoa." Oh, I know what you mean.

And honestly, it's not that far fetched or novel an idea. Rap music has been giving us slang since its inception, including the word "ill" that B.R. uses in his definition of Whoa. Even label-mate Puffy had success bringing the term "Benjamin" to the mainstream when he made a song claiming "it" was "all about them." And it's this usual success hip hop has in bringing us words, that makes instances like this very funny to me. It's like watching one of your friends try and self-apply a nickname and having it ultimately denied by the friend group.

But, as stated earlier, for every failure, there are plenty of other great successes. When B.G. released the song "Bling Bling", the namesake of that song took the world by storm. It went down the sacred path of all other great words and phrases that came before it. That path: born in the streets, loved and spread by youth culture, and finally dying when it appears in commercials and becomes regularly used by your mom and her friends. And I personally think that it's very nice and fitting that the song opens with a tribute to its less fortunate brethren.

Clips from Joke Jams - Christmas Spectacular!

Some clips from Joke Jams at Kafe Kerouac on December 9th. Next show is January 6th at Kafe Kerouac at 9PM. Check out the clips then check out a show live -- always the first Thursday of every month!

For more info about upcoming Joke Jams shows or any shows around Columbus, check out ColumbusisFunny.com.

Throwback Wednesday - Sumukh & Golak Face-Off

You know sometimes when your favorite tv show gets low on ideas and they throw in some stuff that seems kind of like fluff. You know when your favorite Public Access show does it...

My Meeting (Kind of) with a Celebrity (Kind of)

After finding evidence (a.k.a. Internet stalking), I can confirm that I sat in the same row on my flight to Los Angeles with Goo Goo Dolls frontman John Rzeznik. Your initial reaction to this statement was probably one of these responses:

1. “Wow. Did you talk to him?”
2. “That’s cool.”
3. “Who cares?”

To answer all three of your potential responses, “No,” “Yeah, I guess,” and “I’m not sure that I do.” Here’s how my interaction with John (the former Johnny…from evidence gathered, he apparently is now more formal with the preferred use of John) went.

It was a morning flight, and I was in and out of random naps or reading Nick Hornby’s Fever Pitch. By the end of the flight, with a package of cookies (they were more like a British biscuit) and a cup of tomato juice (yeah, I’m that prick on the flight) in my stomach, my eyes met with the man sitting across the row. I was about to look away when I realized that the gentleman looked familiar to me. I stared further, he kind of acknowledged my stare, and then I realized I knew who he was or at least I thought I knew he was. He was the lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls. But, I wasn’t entirely sure he was the lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls as I had not seen this guy on television in years. Knowing myself, I knew that there was one of three possibilities as to who this guy was:

1. Just some dude and I confused him for the Goo Goo Dolls lead singer
2. The Goo Goo Dolls lead singer
3. The Ultimate Warrior without his make-up on (highly possible with my strong interest in classic pro wrestling and the nature of this guy’s face)

The other problem with the situation was that I could not remember the name of the lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls. I knew it was Johnny and there was a Rz and another z in there but I guessed it as Johnny Rzyznski – some kind of combination of John Rzeznik and former tennis pro Greg Rusedski.

So, I had one of two options: not say a word or go up to Mr. Rzeznik and say, “Are you the lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls?” The sad thing is that I’m sure he’s heard this question randomly many times yet the sadder fact is the person asking this question is not even acknowledging how moronic of a question this is. You probably shouldn’t ask a person if they are in fact a particular person especially when you can’t remember their actual name. So, I chose to say nothing.

But, in hindsight, I’m not sure what the point of thinking about this potential conversation was. Of the three reactions that I listed after the first paragraph, I usually fall in the categories of #2 or #3 when it comes to celebrities. I still see them as people, and unless it was someone that was truly a personal idol to me or had some giant impact on the world, I’m not sure what good it is in actually talking to them. The strongest impact that the Goo Goo Dolls have had on my life has been that “Iris” and “Slide” have been stuck in my head since I saw this guy yesterday. So, at best, Mr. Rzeznik would have acknowledged that he was, in fact, the lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls and I would have had to come up with something on the spot anywhere from “You’ve produced fine music. Thank you.” to “I made out with a girl to ‘Closing Time’…shit, that wasn’t you guys.”

In the end, I guess I take nothing from celebrity sightings. I think they’re cool, but I don’t know what else to really do unless I actually get introduced to the person and we have a real conversation. In the end, with Mr. Rzeznik, I think it worked out for the best. From his stare back to me, it seemed apparent to me that he didn’t want me to know who he was, which of course completely contradicts his message in his most popular song to date. Let us judge him as a fraud now.

Bruce Springsteen Vs. John Mellencamp

This is a video I cut up almost a year ago now, and I originally just threw it together based off something funny that happened between me and a friend at a party. I didn't make it to really broadcast or spread around the interwebs. Not for any privacy reasons, I just didn't think it had any legs if you didn't know the story. I watched it again today and thought it had some funny substance outside of inside-joke-land, but also, I can preface it with the story.

Nothing too exciting. Basically, me and a friend were at a party and the song "Authority Song" came on. Someone outside of our conversation asked who sang it, and for some reason, I blurted out, "Bruce Springsteen." I didn't think that was the right answer while I was saying it, and immediately said that it was John Mellencamp and I had no idea why I said Bruce Springsteen. I actually thought John Mellencamp in my head, but for some reason when I went to say it, Bruce Springsteen came out. We all had a laugh and then I went on to joke that it didn't really matter anyways since they were essentially the same guy. The rest of the night proceeded with me and my friend drunkenly singing "Authority Song" to the tune of "Glory Days" and vice versa.

I made this video the next day.

Joke Jams Christmas Spectacular! - December 9th

Like the way I write stupid things? See me say stupid things live! I, Justin Golak, will be on stage for the Joke Jams Christmas Spectacular Thursday, December 9th with awesome comics Laura Sanders and Sean Somerville. Musical guest Drawing Airplanes will be playing a special Holiday inspired set! Check out the Facebook Event.

Also, check out the new commercial for the event here.

Throwback Wednesday - Erectral Commercial

Just like most comedians back in the day, we took a stab at making fun of Viagra. Boners are always funny, eh?

News Attack - Malls Try Reverse Goodwill Program For The Holidays

In order to help the less fortunate in countries around the world, Malls around the United States are trying out a new "Reverse Goodwill" system. The system works by taking brand new clothes and shipping them to people around the world who could otherwise not afford them. After they are appropriately weathered, they are returned to mall stores and sold to shoppers.

Director of Sales at American Eagle, JoAnn Saunders, said, "It really is a great program. We ship jeans to Africa for 6 months. After that time period, they are shipped back to us full of holes, fraying and wear, and we sell them in our stores for approximately $40 a pair. Win, win!"

Marketing Executive at The Buckle, Matt Moster, echoed a similar sentiment, "We're helping people and our shoes come back worn and our jackets nice and tattered and ready to be actually sold."

The Buckle customers agree. Chaz Steiner said, "Dude, buying a bad-ass, frayed out Affliction shirt or some destroyed Lucky jeans is dope. But knowing you helped somebody, that's hella dope."

Some local boutiques and specialty shoppes are following the mall store's lead and enacting a similar, and more long-term, program. Vintage-Clothes-a-Rama sends clothes over to poor teenagers in struggling countries and lets them keep the clothing for 8 years and then they are sent back to the store when they become hip and ironic.

5 People You Meet In The Food Service Industry

1. Mean Person

They come through the door with a bad attitude. Maybe a bad day at work. Maybe crazy traffic. But most likely they just hate their life and now it's time to make you hate yours. Count on at least 2-3 things being "wrong" with their order/service. They love to talk to a manager and apparently love the taste of bodily fluids in their entrees. Your only solace is the knowledge that you're about to win the break room bad-customer-off at the end of the night. Work on your impression of the customer during your next smoke/bathroom break. While the demographic for this type of customer can be quite varied, if you see a women over the age of 55 come in, be prepared.

2. Overly Nice Person

Them: "How you doin' today?!?!" Your Mouth: "Great!" Brain: "I wish you had died 5 minutes ago so this wouldn't be happening now." Overly Nice Person is way worse than Mean Person. You wouldn't think so, but it's true. Mean Person is not only tolerable due to your ability to possibly enact covert, food-tampering revenge on them while mocking their shitty voice to your fellow employees, but also the fake, company-mandated niceness you have to use to counteract Mean Person helps slightly neutralize this customer's long term effects on you. Kind of how scientists say that forcing yourself to smile can actually make you feel happier. ONP doesn't offer you any of that. In fact, his ridiculously sunny disposition only highlights how much you hate where you're at right now and the fact that you have to stay here the next 4 odd hours and work that double on Saturday.

3. Chatty Person

Sometimes can overlap with Overly Nice Person, but usually not. While ONP can be a chatty Kathy, a true chatty customer usually keeps his inane conversation in the complaint department. "Oh, man work today..." "It's so hot/cold/humid/snowy out..." "Did you hear about..." Look, if you're not talking about the things you want to shove in your face hole, the person attending to you could not give less of a fuck about what you are saying. But mainly, they're just wasting your time with all their pointless fucking questions and comments. And in the food industry, not only is time money, but this customer is also stealing away those few precious minutes you get to stick it to the man by getting paid to text your friends and take mini-naps in the bathroom.

4. Coupon Person

"What can I get with this?" is usually what you'll here from these people. They're going to waste your time because they don't know what they want. They don't even know what this restaurant serves or if they like it, they just know coupons give them big stomach-boners. When you can't make a major substitution or change the terms of the deal and still honor the coupon, they cry "Bullshit!" Yes, getting a meal at 25% or more off is really bullshit. I hope you choke to death on your free side, someone at your table takes the leftovers home and serves it to everyone you love for an after funeral snack and they all choke and die too. If you're a server, don't count on a tip. Unless the coupon says they need to leave one to get a free drink.

5. Children

When working food industry, I HATE me some children. But I hesitate to go too hard on them because while their actions are the direct cause of some of your worst shifts, they're really just the middlemen in the hate process that you really have for their parents. I'm just saying, the kids getting into the syrup fight at the table in the back probably don't have a lot of positive direction at home. Regardless, the children parent combo is the WORST "person" by far. Not only are you texting your girlfriend immediately after the first chocolate milk they spill to remind her not to forget to take her birth control today, but now every customer in a 10 foot radius of this shitshow is a staunch pro-choice supporter.

SAGA Montages: "The Decision"

We are starting a series of videos called "SAGA Montages" in which we put together a photo montage on a person or an event to a song that symbolizes the spirit of the video's topic.

Our first montage has been created in the hope that it can put to rest all the talk and the parodies regarding LeBron James's "The Decision." It happened months ago, and it's over with. We should all move on. So, in a final attempt to bury this subject, we put together a retrospective of photos to the tune of "I Don't Know" by the great blues artist, Keb' Mo'.

Old School Minute - The Box

Now, before I talk about something really cool, I'm going to have to mention something pretty uncool. So, for some reason, a few weeks ago, this song popped into my head:

I have no idea why. But, whatever, it was definitely a very funny one-hit wonder from the 90s and listening to it again made me smile. But the real cool thing this song made me remember came not from the video directly, but from the logo in the top right corner of the video.

The Box was one of my favorite things about growing up in the 90s. Now, if you don't know what The Box is (or you want to take a trip down memory lane) check out this short Wikipedia article HERE. Cliff Noted, The Box was a music video channel. Why better than MTV? First, you didn't need cable to view it. Depending on where you lived. In Cleveland, I believe it was channel 23, and you could get it with just a pair of rabbit ears which was great for the music video lover on a budget (which me and my cousins who I watched it with were around this time). But even when I got cable at my house, I remember more than once unhooking the box to watch The Box. Why? Second, the viewers picked which videos The Box played. No, not in half hour chunks like Direct Effect or TRL, but always. It was like a music video jukebox controlled by people in your viewing area. Pretty rad even by today's standards. Basically, you would call up a 1-900 number and for a few bucks you'd pick a song and it'd play in about half an hour (give or take, depending on request traffic.)

I watched The Box a lot when I was younger, and like I mentioned before, it was a favorite with me and my cousins who I hung out a lot with in the middle school/high school days. Although we watched The Box frequently, we only called to request a song one time. It was “Champagne” by Chris Rock. It seems like an odd choice, but you have to remember The Box was so awesome, it rarely wasn't playing something we loved, so there was only one time we felt the need to take matters into our own hands. And in retrospect, the song is still pretty fucking solid. Now, when I first mentioned the song, you may have thought of “No Sex In The Champagne Room”. Not that song. This song was just called “Champagne”, and it was an insanely perfect parody of the the “shiny suit” era of rap music.

I don't know what's funnier, the fake Tiger Woods cameo or the real Nipsey Russell cameo.

Two Princes Trailer

From Variety:

"After acquiring the movie production rights to all songs recorded by the Spin Doctors, Justin Golak started pitching movies to all the major studios. When they collectively told him to fuck off, he decided to produce the movie himself with his good friend Sumukh Torgalkar. Check out the first trailer for the epic tale, Two Princes. Starring Sumukh and Golak, and featuring Laura Sanders."

Throwback Wednesday - MacDuncan's Commercial

So, remember when McDonald's had those commercials where people would go call up there friends and be like "I'm gettin' some Mickey D's!" and then everyone would get excited and they'd go party? Well, that's what we were going for with this spoof-tacular. Happy Throwback Wednesday!

The Sumukh and Golak Attack Goes HD

Thanks to Sumukh, and his purchasing of a new camera, SAGAttack is now in High Definition!

News Attack - Company That Produces 'Silly Bandz' Sued Over Copyright Issue

Yesterday, papers were filed against BCP Imports, the company that produces Silly Bandz. The documents were filed by Alfred Clifford Slater, CEO of Buddy Bands Inc., and claim that Silly Bandz infringed on its copyright.

Slater claims that the idea for a collectible, shareable "band" was an idea patented by him in 1989. BCP Imports claims that the two products are fundamentally different and believes the lawsuit is without merit.

BCP Imports President, Teresa Simmons, released a statement which said, "...BCP Imports is the founder of the Silly Bandz product which is a product that in not infringing on any trademarks held by Buddy Bands Inc."

When reached for comment, Slater said, "That momma is crazy. If that babe thinks BCP can get away with this, she is dead wrong."

Buddy Bands Inc. is no stranger to controversy. In 1989, shortly after foundation of the company, Buddy Bands was sued by Friendship Forever LLC after they alleged that "Buddy Bands" were a direct rip off of their product, "Friendship Bracelets."

Slater has been the company's CEO all the way since 1989, only taking a small leave of absence from 1991-1993 to wrestle in WCW under the name "The Pig."

Throwback Wednesday - Awkward Moments

Added Epilogue - Independence Day

Now, most of the time, the cruelest thing I think an author or director can do is have their book or film, respectively, conclude with an open ending. I've invested all this time in these characters and this story and now I have no closure?!

Consequently, I personally love a good epilogue. Especially in a movie. Not only do I get closure for the characters in the current narrative I've been following, but with a few short sentences, I get to find out the extended path each character follows.

It made me think, how much better would an epilogue-less movie be if one was added to the end? With that thought, I present to you: Added Epilogue. And the first movie I decided to try it on, Independence Day.

LeRib

While watching the Browns' glorious victory yesterday with Golak and our friend Maggie, I deduced two things during every commercial break: one, Jim Belushi and Jerry O'Connell standing next to each other with intimidating looks is possibly one of the funniest things ever and the McRib is back and loved by people of all races. From an advertising perspective, it feels like all I've been exposed to this week are McRib commercials and parodies of the LeBron James “What Should I Do?” Nike commercial. After thinking about it, I realized there is a reason behind the advertising planets aligning: the McRib is the LeBron James of the McDonald's menu. Here's why:

The McRib shows up when it wants.

For reasons that are unclear to me, the McRib is available only for a limited time before it returns back to being the taint of some form of animal and not touched by anyone at the McDonald's corporation. Much in the same way, LeBron James shows up for a limited time during the playoffs before he returns back to being the taint of Maverick Carter.

The McRib doesn't want to do it on it's own.

Come on, McRib. You know you have the sandwich talent and the following to be the most popular sandwich on the menu yet you're now willing to consistently work alongside the likes of the Big Mac and the Quarter Pounder. What the hell? Don't you remember dropping 48 of you on a family of 5 from Detroit?

The McRib had its “What Should I Do?” moment

In 2005, the McRib went on a Farewell Tour and had a “Save the McRib” campaign. It was a self-indulged ploy to gain more attention. I don't have any evidence, but I'm fairly certain Jim Gray was involved.

Some people are visually disgusted by the McRib, while others just love it.

When looking at the McRib, many are just plain grossed out at the sight. They want nothing to do with it and have had enough of its appearance right off the bat. Others love the McRib, enjoying every sight and spectacle involved with it from the dripping sauce to the smell of its onions to its whiny nature.

Come back next week. I may have a Wendy's Spicy Chicken Nuggets/Dallas Cowboys infrastructure comparison lined up.

Stuff I Made Up But Wish Was True

-89% of women say they enjoy sex the most when a man ejaculates within 2 minutes of the start of intercourse. Out of those women 78% said the reason they enjoyed it was so they had more time to cook their mates macaroni and cheese and buy them video games.
-Pepper Jack sauce, the condiment found on the Cheesy Gordita Crunch which is sold at Taco Bell, increases the sensitivity of neuron receptors in the brain making you more alert and helping you process information quicker. Dosing is most effective during the hours of 2am-4am.
-Despite its success at the box office, the next remake of The Karate Kid will be a reboot of the franchise. The reboot will be aimed at a more adult audience, carry a Hard-R rating, and be littered with violence and nudity. Initial casting has Jean-Claude Van Damme playing Daniel, Dolph Lundgren playing Johnny, Samuel L. Jackson playing Sensei Creed, and Eva Mendes playing Ali. Pat Morita will reprise his role as Miyagi as he has not, and will never, die.
-LeBron James died today. While driving, James turned in front of a large truck and was T-boned. The driver of the truck survived relatively unscathed, however James and his passenger, Art Modell, were pronounced dead on arrival.
-A terminator robot was sent back to 1992 to kill John Connor. Due to a programming error the terminator robot accidentally killed Bill Hancock, Executive Director of the BCS.
-Weird Al Yankovic is President of the United States of America.
-Strippers in Ohio are no longer required to wear pasties on their bare breasts. However, a new provision requires them to wear one giant one over their mouths.
-King Cobra Malt Liquor is loaded with anti-oxidants.

Please feel free to leave Stuff YOU Made Up But Wish Was True in the comments section below!

Happy Diwali! (Hindu Pyromaniacs Rejoice!)

Happy Diwali! Or, in my case, Happy I'm Going to Have to Explain to You What This Is Unless You Have The Basic Knowledge of It from That Episode of “The Office!” It happens every year. Diwali, the festival of lights, is the biggest holiday for Hindus and a number of other South Asian religions.

Throughout my life, people have asked me, “What is Diwali?” After struggling through forgetting which gods were actually involved only to realize there are a number of different stories/reasons behind the holiday of which I know none of them well enough, I just give up and say, “It's like Christmas, but for us.” This is probably the equivalent of providing the answer, “Look it up on Wikipedia” or “Please leave me alone.”

I have a number of jokes in my act about Hinduism in large part because I grew up around parents who are devout and because I think that the subject is territory that hadn't predominantly been touched upon by many comics including Indian comics. With that topic comes the same burden that has plagued me since I was a kid: educating people about Hinduism.

Here's my definition of Diwali as a kid: my parents sang a religious hymn while I got to hit a spoon against a bowl in rhythm, my Mom made a lot of great Indian food, we prayed, my Dad handed me an envelope with money in it, then we ate. I now understand why I continue to care about Hinduism. It was a wonderful form of religious brainwashing. I got paid to be Ringo Starr and Adam Richman in the same day.

The sad fact is that not a lot has changed in that definition since I was a kid. I still value my faith but turn to it for its philosophy in such texts as “The Bhagavad Gita” and “Upanishads” and for occasional visits to the temple for my own self-purity and relaxation. When it comes to actually gathering the history and explaining it to people, well, it's a learning experience even for me. Some of the jokes that I've gathered over the past 4 ½ years of doing comedy have come from conversations I've had with my parents about Hinduism or discovering things about my faith through reading. I can feel bad about it, but the reality is I have thousands of years of texts and stories to understand to get a full idea of anything. And, frankly, the Indian names and gods can sometimes be as tough to remember for me as they would be on any non-Hindus (how fast can you say Dhritarashtra?). But, I'll keep on learning and joking around about it in the hope of allowing people to learn as well.

In writing this blog post and doing the necessary research, I now have a full idea of what Diwali is. Diwali is the Hindu celebration of the birth of Christ. Hindu calendars are different, and his birthday changes every year dependent upon when the full moon occurs, which is the peak time of his birth and his morphing into a werewolf.

Note: if you're in Columbus, please join me tonight as I celebrate Diwali by telling jokes at “Comedy Under the Influence” at Zeno's (384 W. 3^rd Ave. in Victorian Village). Show starts at 9:30 PM and features other great area stand-up comics Justin Golak, Travis Hoewischer, Travis Irvine, Laura Sanders, and Dan Swartwout!

Throwback Wednesday - The Sunshine Trailer

So, remember that First Season of SAGAttack I mentioned a few posts ago? Well, we have all those episodes and sketches on the interwebs, so every Wednesday, for the next 11 weeks, we'll post one sketch from Season 1 for you to enjoy! So, enjoy!

If you want to see the long M. Night interview that inspired this, check it out:
Here: Part 1
and Here: Part 2

Old School Minute - Ice Cube - It Was A Good Day

One of my, and my site partner Sumukh's, favorite songs from the 90's is “It Was A Good Day” by Ice Cube. With a slow, cool, melodic beat and positive lyrics it's perfect “hangin' out” music. If you haven't heard it, or haven't heard it in a while, the song is basically a morning to night run down of the perfect day from rapper Ice Cube's perspective. And I have to admit, from top to bottom, no hyperbole, it is a pretty awesome day. However, everyone is a little different, and Cube's perfect day might not exactly sync up with your idea of a perfect day. So, after listening to the song recently, I decided to list the top 3 things in Cube's song that I'd include in my “Good Day” and the top 3 things I would exclude or replace.

Top 3 Things I would exclude or replace:

1. “And momma cooked a breakfast with no hog.”

Now, whether Ice Cube prefers no pork with his breakfast for personal taste or religious reasons, I'm not 100% sure, but I definitely have neither hang up. In my perfect day, momma would have cooked up a breakfast with a superfluous amount of hog. Think Denny's Grand Slam, but home cooked, and French Toast instead of pancakes. I would also definitely “pig out” on that.

2. “Called up the homies and I'm askin y'all, Which park, are y'all playin basketball?”

I think some physical activity in the afternoon would be great on a perfect day, however, basketball is low on my list of favorite recreational sports. I would probably just call up one homie and ask at what court was he playing tennis. I did play in high school and do have some skills, but I am for sure not “trouble” when you “get me on the court.” However, if I was really “fuckin' around” I could probably pull of a 6-0 against my friends, and that would make for a pretty “Good Day.”

3. “Took another sip of the potion hit the three-wheel motion.”

I would definitely partake in some cocktails on my perfect day, but drinking and driving, especially drinking while driving, is no good. DUI, car accident, etc. are all things that could end a “Good Day” right when you thought everything was about to wrap up nice. I know earlier the cops “rolled right past” you and there's no “helicopter lookin' for a murder”, but just because you've gotten lucky with the cops earlier in the day, doesn't give you the excuse to test them at the day's end. No license, no car, and you're definitely not fuckin' “Kim”. Which brings me to the next part.

Top 3 things I would keep:

1. “Shake 'em up, shake 'em up, shake 'em up, shake 'em.”

Craps is my favorite gambling game (possibly tied with blackjack). And while I don't have friends to throw dice with around home, a Windsor, Canada trip filled with debauchery and craps playing at their nice, new casino would easily be included in a perfect day.

2. “Picked up a girl been tryin' to fuck since the 12th grade.”

I know exactly where Cube was coming from on this one. I had a huge crush on a girl in 7th/8th grade, and during college I went back home for the holidays and ran into her at a bar. Now, she was definitely a shadow of her former self in both the looks and personality department, but I didn't care. And throughout the course of the night it became quite apparent that something could happen between us that night. I had a girlfriend at the time, so I declined any advances, and while it is not a major regret by far, if I didn't have an excuse not to, I would have taken my opportunity to throw 13 year old Justin a bone (No pun intended. Ok, maybe a little.). So, cheers to you Cube!

3. “Two in the mornin' got the Fatburger.”

Late night, drunk eating is a must for any perfect day. I would go with White Castle or Taco Bell since there are no Fatburgers in Ohio, but that's fine. But, ultimately, if I had my choice, I'd be chewing down my favorite late night food from my college days at Ohio State: PJ's. Basically, they serve sandwiches with 5 to 6 items that would consist of full meals on their own...with a side. I suggest the Fat Rat with spicy fries.

Sumukh and Golak 24

"The Sumukh and Golak Attack" started off as a public access TV show on Adelphia Cable in the Cleveland, Ohio area. The first season consisted of 3 roughly half-hour long episodes. Anything produced after that is considered "Season 2" of SAGAttack.

This video is the first sketch of the arbitrarily titled and everlasting Season 2. While Adelphia Cable remains defunk, SAGAttack marches on! Enjoy.

The Sumukh and Golak Attack

Welcome! This blog was created by Columbus-based stand-up comics Sumukh Torgalkar and Justin Golak. The site will feature funny videos and funny articles produced by the dynamic comedy duo.