We're still here damnit!

A big "Hey There!" to the tens and tens of SAGA followers! We haven't forgot about you. In fact, we are busy writing and shooting a bunch of new content for the site. However, we will be airing a lot of this material at the next Monday Night Live! on Monday, April 4th at Wild Goose Creative @ 9PM. With that being so, we don't want to post anything until it airs live...but look forward to next week being filled with updates and hilarity!

To tide you over, here is something from when SAGA hosted MNL! a couple months ago. Enjoy!

And if you are in the Columbus-area on April 4th, you should definitely check out Monday Night Live. Wild Goose Creative. 9PM. Hosted this month by Mike Kolar. It's always a good time and it's BYOB. There's possibly a correlation there.

Mike "The Situation" is stupid, but the Comedy Central Roasts are kind of stupid too

If you haven't heard, or seen, by now, Mike "The Situation", from the MTV show "Jersey Shore", bombed something awful at the Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump. If you haven't seen it yet, you should. It's like "Requium for a Dream". It's really disturbing, it'll stick with you well after you've watched it, but everyone needs to see it once.



But, to be ever the most marginally defensive towards The Situation, why was he even there? Doesn't it really shine a light on the bigger issue which is how stupid the Comedy Central roasts have become.

Now I don't mean roasts. I mean the Comedy Central Roasts. Specifically since 2002.

From 1998, the year CC first started airing roasts, to 2002, CC simply aired The Friar's Club Roasts on their network. Since 2002, CC has been organizing and airing their own roasts with no affiliation with The Friar's Club.

The Friar's Club Roasts were very well done. But since 2002, it's been kind of a shitshow due to some fundamental issues. And for the most part, I think it has to do with the fact that none of these people are truly affiliated and it's something that CC just throws together to fill an annual time slot.

Look at the Dais for this year's roast of Trump. The Roast master is Seth McFarlen. Comic Roasters include young comics like Whitney Cummings and Anthony Jeselnik. Celebrity Roasters include, the aforementioned, The Situation and Snoop Dogg. You can't tell me that any of these people know or, quite possibly, have even met each other before (outside of the comics with each other).

And The Situation is the epitome of this and why it's ridiculous. And I don't mean his horrible performance itself. Listen to his jokes. Now to be real, writing content wise, some of his jokes aren't that bad. But also real, there's no way you can actually believe he wrote, or maybe even saw until that night, any of the jokes he delivered that night. So, essentially you have a nobody celebrity, roasting people he doesn't know or has never met, with jokes he didn't write, written by somebody who probably has never met the roasties, or let's face it, the roaster.

This creates two major problems which just ruin these current roasts for me.

First, they're not really that funny. Donald Trump has weird hair, bangs young chicks, and says you're fired. I get it. I'm also bored hearing 10 different people tell different versions of those 3 jokes for an hour. But again, it's not their fault. Those three things are probably all that the roasters know about Trump. Because they don't know him. They know as much about Trump as we do which is pretty much the caricature of him that we see all the time on TV and in the news. For counterexample, The Friar's Club still does roasts, even though they're not on TV anymore, and the latest person they roasted was Quentin Tarantino (Note: They also roasted Donald Trump...in 2004). It was hosted by Samuel L. Jackson and included roasters like Uma Thurman and Eli Roth. Now, would I rather see Eli Roth or Anthony Jeselnik talk for an hour. Jeselnik. I've seen him live and he's amazing. But roasting Tarantino...I'd pick Roth. Sure Jeselnik is hilarious, but Roth is going to give more insightful, genuine, and just more original jokes when roasting Tarantino. Give Jeselnik his own CC presents or hour long special. But watching him make fun of a stranger is just a waste of my time and his talents.

I think this base joke phenomenon was never more evident than at the CC Roast of Larry The Cable guy. The show consisted of a barrage of the hackiest redneck jokes you've ever heard from your Uncle at Thanksgiving. But it's Larry The Cable Guy. Isn't the most hilarious thing about this guy that his whole Redneck persona is a fucking sham! The only roaster to nail him truly is Greg Giraldo (flip to 3:05 for the Larry stuff).



But as great as that is, it brings about the other thing I don't like about these new roasts, they're kind of mean.

The motto of The Friar's Club Roasts have always been, "We only roast the ones we love." And if you watch old clips of those roasts (even the ones that aired on CC), I think that's apparent most of the time. You're watching people from the same social club, in the same or similar professions, who in many cases are good friends, busting each others balls for a couple hours. It's funny AND fun. But watching strangers just pummel people they don't know for base and stereotypical reasons is not funny, and kind of embarrassing and uncomfortable to watch. As hilarious as Giraldo was, it's quite obvious by his send off in the last 20 seconds that he not only doesn't know Larry but doesn't really like him either. He doesn't even attempt the generic, "I joke, but I think you're nice," bit. And while I staunchly agree with everything Giraldo says during his time, especially the end, and love him, both as a fan and comic, for saying it, I just don't think that's what a "roast" is. Again, I agree and find it hilarious. But I think it'd be more appropriate if he just did what David Cross did.





So, in the end, if you thought Mike "The Situation's" performance was bad, just realize how much he was set up to fail in the first place.

The Situation is horrible though. He's such a man-whore douchebag that he fucked Lisa Lampanelli AND filled his mouth up with vinegar so he could help her clean up afterward! BAM! Roasted.

My Dad Picked Villanova in '85

It's that time of year again: the NCAA Tournament. It's also the time of year for my Dad to remind us that he picked Villanova back in '85. He regales us every March Madness with that great year that he was the master of bracketology. I will attempt to cover the story as he tells it:

"My work was having a pool for the NCAA tournament. I didn't know anything about college basketball. I picked Villanova. They all laughed at me. Then, Villanova won. I won $50! I remember that well!"

The moral of the story is that if you want to succeed at picking NCAA games, become an Indian immigrant. Jay Bilas should become Jawaharlal Bhaskar. What prompted the Villanova pick? It was probably the same logic as to how most of us pick our local judges on a ballot -- it's all in the name. (On a side note, Rollie Massimino could easily win an election for a local judge position based purely off his name. On a further side note, Rollie Massimino would probably get kicked out of his local judge position for corruption based off his name.)

Every time I hear this story, it warms my heart because it allows my father to bask in the glow of one successful tournament about a sport he doesn't even really particularly care about, but it also makes me sad. I can't find the exact Las Vegas odds for Villanova, but they were the lowest seed to ever win the tournament, and all he got out of it was $50? Had he just put a decent amount of money down before the tournament in Vegas, he could have retired back in '85. It could have allowed him to relax with football (the game he did care about) and watch all those Browns AFC Championship game losses without having to worry about working the next morning.

So, in honor of my dad, this year I've named my NCAA bracket selections, "My Dad Picked Villanova in '85." The picks of the father are to be laid upon the children.

The Worst Thing I've Ever Done...

This is a video I shot of myself at the weekly open mic on Wednesday's at the Surly Girl Saloon. I was closing out the show, so I was granted a little extra time and decided to do a story joke I had been thinking about for a few days. (I apologize for the camera placement...it's a small room with limited mounting options.)

Drinking Games

More new content. Say, word?!

You gotta be careful with your drinking game selection...

Jacket

This is an awesome video a friend, and fellow comic, of mine and Sumukh's did. I am featured as "Henchman 2." The guy who made it, Matt Horn, has some other hilarious sketches at his YouTube channel, so check it out if you want some laughs.

New-Content-Palooza!

This Friday, through next Monday, we will be posting new content every day! That's right, 4 days of new content from SAGAttack to you. So check back during this weekend and enjoy.

First up--if you remember our (hi-larious) sketch "Golak's Sketch Idea,"



Then you may be excited to know that we have made a sequel to it, "Golak's Sketch Idea 2."

We Have a New Intro!

And the new intro for The Sumukh and Golak Attack selected by you, the fans, is:

For the Love of the Game or My Money

When I woke up this morning, I read the Yahoo! Sports report that Jim Tressel knew eight months in advance of the revelation of awards sales and tattoo discounts that led to the suspension of five Ohio State players. Did I think the report was true? Probably.

That’s where I’m at as a sports fan. It’s not that I don’t believe in “innocent until proven guilty,” but it’s more so that I’ve gotten to the point of reaching a “Stone Cold” Steve Austin mentality on sports: “Don’t trust anybody.” It’s not just Tressel and the fact that I am an Ohio State Buckeyes football fan, but it’s that right now in sports, we’ve reached an odd crossroads where the business aspects of sports that some fans have pushed aside for a long time are actually trumping the entertainment factor of sports that allures fans to begin with. For me, it’s happening in my four favorite sports, and I wonder if other fans feel the same type of strange, disgusted emotion inside of them as I do.

Let’s start with college football. I’ll disregard the Cam Newton fiasco of last year both for length purposes and to personalize this to my own feelings as a Buckeye fan with Tattoo-Gate. Like any person who cares about sports and rules, the decision handed down by the NCAA was obnoxious – to allow the players at fault to participate in the Sugar Bowl sent a clear message to college football fans if it wasn’t already clear with the BCS: the NCAA’s top priority is money and ratings. Maybe we as fans want that, too. We want the best possible game presented to us and a National Championship game potentially without a Cam Newton or a Reggie Bush if investigations were done in a better manner would have led to less entertainment. But we, as fans, still respect rules even if the rules are ridiculous. However, when you take the ridiculous rules, but then don’t even properly enforce them, you’ve decided to toy with the sanctity of the game. It’s the same reason why an entire crowd will boo if there’s a missed penalty call – you’ve toyed with the rules and not enforced them, yet this is on a much bigger level.

As a Buckeye fan, the Tressel factor makes things worse. Tressel is a king in Columbus, and it’s understandable why: seven Big Ten championships, 9-1 record against Michigan, consistent BCS appearances. It’s been a wonderful decade for this football-obsessed city. Likewise, he’s carved a personality that has people seeing him as a man of class. It generates from his concise and respectful interviews and his service within the community. He knows how to speak and spin himself as the good guy of high morals even as a number of questionable situations and suspect recruits have come and gone through Ohio State’s program even recently.

So, when the tattoo story parlor broke, it was a time for Tressel to show that he was the man of class, and his choice showed that he wasn’t. He wanted to win, and maybe there are a lot of Ohio State fans that want that, too, but in this case, I did not. If they are to follow the rules (and let me once again stress that I’m not a fan of the NCAA rules) and that’s the structure of your values, it does not make sense how a guaranteed return next season for a suspension gets the message across. It doesn’t, and it ultimately damaged all of my feelings towards the Sugar Bowl before it even started. I watched the game because I’m a fan. I was entertained because I’m a fan. I was happy with the win because I’m a fan. But, I had lost respect for the game because I’m a fan.

With tonight's press conference, it opens the door for so many other issues: whether Tressel abides at all to “the law of integrity” that President E. Gordon Gee says he follows, how the NCAA will handle this situation or even if there would be a serious evaluation of the rules and processes that govern the NCAA. I am pessimistic about all the results, and why shouldn't any fan be? What's glaring is that this is all organizational. These situations have little to do with football and the reason why we watch the game to begin with.

The NFL at this point is covered by ESPN, but it may as well be covered on CNBC as the publicity of the league's labor talks have taken over the sport. Sure, the network is attempting to move away from that aspect with its NFL Draft coverage, but personally, I'm not that excited about finding out the players that the Browns select who may not even see the field in 2011. So, all of a sudden, it's a business free-for-all that's put right in front of the fan. It's a conflict that's made the owners seem greedier than ever before whereas the fan has sat back and accepted PSLs, frequent increases to ticket prices and concessions, and (in cases like the Browns) organizational incompetence. But, we accept it because we love the sport. And, if you ask the average fan, he or she does not necessarily care how the sides figure out the details of their deal, it just better get done and there better be football on Sundays come September.

Unless things change, in my mind, the NBA is destined for a lockout of worse proportions than the NFL. This year has dynamically shifted how fans, players, and owners interact with the sport and how strangely the players have trumped the business aspect to the sport that fans actually had a respect for. When LeBron James made his “Decision,” he began a series of events where players went from being decision makers to dictators. Bill Simmons nicely profiles that this wasn't new ground for superstar players to do. It's true, but the manner in which it was done was sloppy, without care, and arrogant – evidence of dictating over decision making. Others in the past use subtlety to get what they wanted. In this case, James, Wade, and Bosh decided where to go (fine), had a pep rally (huh?), started counting the large amount of championships they'll be winning (uh-oh), and acted invincible. It's no surprise that something as miniscule as their current 5-game losing streak could lead to such chaos in the media – they set themselves up for astronomical expectations and to be hated by fans and other teams alike. The crazy thing is they easily could still win the NBA title, and all the drama that came with this season for them won't even matter.

With that came Carmelo Anthony, which was basically a power play that led to a rookie general manager in Masai Ujiri not wanting to put his foot down in the player vs. organization battle. The strange thing is that I have to admit that, as a fan, it is nice to see Carmelo and Amar'e Stoudemire playing on the same team and in New York where there is perhaps no better basketball feel than in Madison Square Garden. It's not just that the league needs good basketball in New York – basketball fans should want that as well.

When the dominoes fall, why fans are annoyed at the NBA is because the purity of the game has been brushed aside. What I mean by purity is our established notion of how an organization is really developed, and that was reliant on its front office. Anytime that I talk about this subject, I reference the recent Celtics as a prime example of being what fans would respect. The Celtics were terrible going into the 2007 Draft when they sent the 5^th pick along with Delonte West and Wally Szczerbiak to Seattle for Ray Allen and Glen Davis. They then acquired Kevin Garnett in a steal of a trade. Combine that with their previous draft-day trade acquisition of Rajon Rondo and his emergence and the already established All-Star in Paul Pierce on the roster, and you created a championship team. Danny Ainge should be praised for putting that together – there were risks involved, and it paid off. Garnett, Allen, and Pierce didn't come together to agree to play. For as much as there was talk about the “Big Three,” there was questions about Allen's knees and if Garnett was running on empty at that point in his career.

The Celtics as compared to the Heat is the equivalent of what goes on in a Fantasy Football league, for example. Guys in the league would respect someone who took a flyer on Austin Collie in the late rounds and reaped the benefits of his performance in the early part of the season. But, they'll hate a commissioner who uses his total control over veto power to trade Marcedes Lewis for Adrian Peterson with a bottom-dweller friend in the league. If anybody's to be blamed for the Garnett deal, it's Kevin McHale. That's the difference. As fans, we're used to ridiculing the front office for moves because that's what they do – they are the decision makers of an organization, and that's the way we know it to be. You can't fault Ujiri if Danilo Gallinari doesn't pan out with the Nuggets. You blame Carmelo Anthony, which is odd because now players have the potential to be ridiculed for both their play and their organizational choices.

Oddly enough, baseball, which has been criticized for years for its business structure that has allowed free-agent success for big-market teams, is the sport I'm perhaps most excited about at this point and that's probably because the season has yet to begin and I'm just looking forward to something other than the three other sports above. But even with the Indians, if April and May don't look good, I can look forward to a fire sale of any player of sufficient ability on the roster as the trade deadline looms. We can also look forward to constant Albert Pujols to the Yankees conversations. Yet, despite this business structure, baseball has managed to produce 9 different champions in the past 10 World Series, which leaves some level of hope for many teams (probably not the Indians).

So, why keep being a fan? It's so obvious now—more than ever—that each league, its owners, and its players don't truly care about the fan in the end even though we are the catalysts for the success of their business. I'm smart enough to leave it – to be better than sports – to not be a sucker. But, it's just that being a fan feels like it's in a person's blood. Some of my earliest memories in life are watching Browns or Indians games with my family. It's a unity that brings people together and a source of pride. It's a way for three hours to get away from whatever is going on in life to take in a competitive, athletic battle of good vs. evil.

I can't imagine fans ever truly revolting against sports because of that reason. We'll always want it. And, as long as the business side knows that, they will always win. It's not about the owners and the players and who can win that battle if ultimately it's the people who lose out. It's a hollow feeling right now to be a fan like me.

We Should Be In A Dictionary

Golak and I make up new phrases and words regularly, many of which have staying power and end up in our lexicon in social situations or even in our stand-up acts. Recently, I developed a new phrase, which is a "Nicki Minaj." In order to authenticate it, I submitted the word to UrbanDictionary.com. Unfortunately, it was rejected by their "editors." I put "editors" in quotation marks because apparently these people are just other users of the website. So, I'm not sure that I appreciate the legitimacy of my creative, invented phrases being evaluated by some idiot who put up a lewd definition for Vanna White. Either way, below is my rejected submission for a "Nicki Minaj." Feel free to use it in social situations and spread it around.

Nicki Minaj - n. -

A person who shows up at a group gathering/party randomly all the time. At first, the party thrower is annoyed but then realizes that this person's arrival in a group setting is acceptable. The person is difficult on a one-on-one level socially, but in a group atmosphere, you could do without him/her but do not mind his/her arrival because your time with him/her will be limited anyway.

Derives from rapper Nicki Minaj's uncanny ability to randomly appear in songs that otherwise are catchy and enjoyable and do not need her, but ultimately, the listener just accepts that it wasn't their choice anyway and her arrival is not totally destroying the fun of the song.

Kevin: Hey man, Bret's here.

Ramon: For real? Ehh, I guess we put this event out on Facebook. Screw it. He'll have a good time. We'll have a good time. But, man, he such a Nicki Minaj.

Vote for the new Intro for The Sumukh and Golak Attack!

Yesterday we posted our original show intro (which you can still view in the post below) and last night, at our live Two Man Comedy Show, we debuted two new options for our intro go forward.

What we would like is for YOU to vote for our new intro out of the two choices below. We will close voting next Wednesday, March 9th at 12:00PM noon, and post the results Wednesday night. Thanks everybody! Here are your two options:

Video 1:


Video 2:


VOTING CLOSED. See winner above!

THE FINAL Throwback Wednesday - Season 1 Intro

This was the intro we used for our first (only) season of The Sumukh and Golak Attack on Adelphia Public Access up in Cleveland.

Pretty sweet and AV Class-ish, huh?

Well, Sumukh and I are itching to have a new show intro. And guess what...you get to choose what the Season 2 intro for The Sumukh and Golak Attack will be!

If you want to see the two intro options you can choose from early, we will be debuting them Live at our Two Man Comedy Show at Kafe Kerouac on Thursday, March 3rd at 9:00PM.

After that we will post them to the website so you, the fan (or friend who we badger to visit our website), can vote on which intro we will use going forward.