The Legend of Don Criqui

I love Don Criqui. Who is Don Criqui? Well, he just happens to be one of the greatest sports broadcasters in television history as far as I'm concerned. He's the finest example of a guy whose had a long career working some of the worst games in football history.

If you love the Cleveland Browns and you're age 25 and up, then you've basically had a sexual relationship with Don Criqui for most of your life. Criqui is the guy they send to the terrible game of the week, and it was no different this week as Criqui was the play-by-play man for CBS's coverage of the Browns-Dolphins.

Criqui is so good at this job that two networks gave him the position: NBC and CBS. I remember his days at NBC with Bob Trumpy. Who can forget both of them hovering in a booth at Riverfront Stadium for a Browns-Bengals pre-game discussion as they tried to give some level of energy while still not conveying how dead they felt on the inside to have to watch the display that was about to happen on the field? Don Criqui would feed a wonderful lead-in question to Bob Trumpy's giant glasses that would just stare at you as he tried to give some merit to David Klingler's mediocre statistics. When football left NBC, Criqui moved to CBS where there was no Trumpy to follow to actually make it a good broadcasting booth. Instead, he was partnered with none other than such legends as awful Beasley Reece and “I Can't Cut It With Dennis Miller” Dan Fouts.

Criqui was the play-by-play man for the Browns preseason one year, and it was easily the greatest preseason ever. It was almost as if Criqui accepted the fact that he would be doing so many Browns games during the year for CBS that he might as well just get to learn the team in the preseason. I can only hope Don moved to Cleveland for that brief period of time (when you move to Cleveland hypothetically, I'm suddenly on a first-name basis with you).

Criqui is now partnered with Randy Cross, and there were certainly some fantastic moments in today's 17-16 win for the Browns. First, the game worked like every other game that Criqui broadcasts, which is that it stunk and there were few exciting moments. Not that there should be any excitement as Criqui never shows any signs of his voice getting that much louder for a big play (how can he? He's gotten so familiar with there not being any). Cross served his role well as being a color commentator who gives nothing to Criqui. The best moments of the game came on the Browns' touchdown winning drive, which not surprisingly is when the best broadcasting moments happened as well.

After the Dolphins kicked a field goal and the Browns had possession again, Criqui remarked, “They are going to need some downfield throws!” This is why I love Criqui. He's like your grandpa that managed to get employed as a broadcaster. Every thing he says could lead to the response, “(enter comment)? (enter statement citing your wonder at Criqui's age).” In this case, I said to myself, “Downfield throws? Aww, Criqui, I love you. Tell us about Watergate!”

In response, Cross said, “They're going to need chunks of yards.” The Browns completed a 5-yard pass. Cross remarks, “There's a mini-chunk.” If I opened up my refrigerator and pulled out the Dos Equis in there, I could have played a drinking game with one drink for Cross saying the word “chunk” and double drinks for “mini-chunk” in that final drive and ended up buzzed by the end of the game (which, given the outcome of the game, would have been pretty awesome). If you want to get partnered with Don Criqui, this is how you do it. Grab a theme/word that is ridiculous and stick with it. Also, provide uninformative analysis. (Two side notes: what a fall for Randy Cross. Remember that he used to be in the studio for CBS and now he's partnered with Criqui. Also, I'm calling Solomon Wilcots as a future Don Criqui partner with his "Solomon's Wisdom" biblical-esque points for the game that's really catching on in not being popular at all).

Speaking of Cross's terrible analysis, it continued when he said during the drive, “This is reminding me of the Kardiac Kids.” Yes, who can forget when the Kardiac Kids put up 10 points and looked non-existent for most games? It was a nice attempt by Cross to give some merit to this otherwise uninteresting game he's at. Then, Grandpa Criqui chimed in, “I remember when I was at the game in 1981 when Mike Davis went up and made that interception...” As Browns fans, we try to not think of that as the lasting image of the Kardiac Kids even though it was, but hey, it's that type of jinxing from Criqui that probably got us the game-winning touchdown today!

Criqui still had one last moment of greatness when he said that the Dolphins would call a timeout to stop the clock after a Browns' kneel with 15 seconds left. “Oh, they're not going to do it. They'll just let the clock run out.” “Not call a timeout and hope for an odd fumble on a kneel? Oh, Criqui I love you! Tell us about any conversation you had with Don Strock again!”

It appears every sports television network has to keep an aging veteran broadcaster who may be senile. It must be some affirmative action thing. But, hey, you can take Brent Musburger if you'd like, but I want Criqui!