NKOTBSB 4 1 NITE

Through an odd trade of things two people wanted to get rid off, I ended up being the person to get an extra ticket for last night’s NKOTBSB concert in Columbus. NKOTBSB is the fusion of New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys into a mega boy band that tugs at your youth while also releasing the occasional single. I joined fellow comedian Brooke Cartus and her longtime friend Anne at the show.

I didn't have near the same enthusiasm level as Brooke and Anne, but I'm enough of a sucker for pop music and was curious about the environment and potential for comedic material to want to check it out.

It's certainly an odd feeling as a heterosexual male at such a concert. A part of me thought, “Can I really deal with all this screaming and am I even capable of doing that myself?” while another part of me knew that there was probably never going to be another circumstance in my life where I would be surrounded by this many women, many of whom were attractive, so there's no reason to complain. Schottenstein Center was smart as well in handling the gender disproportion. A number of the Men's restrooms were switched to Women's restrooms. This is the only event involving thousands of people that I've never had to stand in line at a Men's restroom let alone that I kept seeing the same two guys in the restroom that I went to as the three of us were apparently on the same drinking cycle.

The show started out with the guy from Glee singing. I have no idea what the guy from Glee's name is, and I don't particularly care to research it. I watched one episode of Glee and its lack of humor and chock full of song format was enough for me to never tune in again. Anyway, he sang what Brooke described as stuff from The Great American Songbook, which made me angry because no one should attempt to steal Rod Stewart's thunder. He then closed by dedicating his last number to Michael Jackson, which I suppose is nice, but then he went ahead and did the Moonwalk, which just seemed awkward. No matter how inspired I may be by someone, I won't just go ahead and do what that person made popular, especially when I didn't even know the person.

Then, the real magic arrived: NKOTBSB! AHHH!!!!!!! They started off by singing a Coldplay song, which didn't make much sense to me, but hey, I guess you can't beat us to death with all of your songs. We agreed that the dancing was a bit off and clunky at the start, but you have to give them a break. This was like watching Karl Malone getting on to a basketball court now. He's still got game, but you got to believe his fadeaway is a little off, and needs some time to get going.

If there's one person out of these nine guys that I can't imagine I would ever enjoy one minute of time with, it's definitely Nick Carter. At one point, he decided to start singing “Raspberry Beret.” I'm not a person who hides my feelings well. As Brooke put it, “I wish I could have taken a picture of that reaction.” My eyes nearly rolled into the back of my head. Luckily, that went on for only about thirty seconds, and then they went into something else.

Later, the Backstreet Boys brought some girls up to the stage so that they could each individually sing one of their ballads to them. I can't remember which one it was. It doesn't really matter. To be brutally honest, the girls they picked were not the most attractive girls in the arena. I'd put them at a smattering of 5s to 7s, but that proves the Backstreet Boys are smart veterans. Don't pick the most attractive girls. They already get everything anyway! Pick the mid-range ones. This is their moment to shine even if the moment would have been better at a concert ten years ago.

I understand when national performers come into Columbus and are enamored by the fact that they can shout “O-H” and then get a jubilant response of “I-O” from an entire crowd of people. Personally, I've tired of the “O-H...I-O!” cheer, but I don't mind doing it once or in the midst of an exciting Buckeye football game. With that, a performer has to know that there's only so many times that you can shout “O-H.” We love our state, but we're not complete idiots that are immune to being annoyed by it. Not surprisingly, Nick Carter was the worst perpetrator of the bunch. At one point, he shouted “O-H” in the middle of a song. He was truly amp-ed about Ohio.

Near the end of the show, each member of the Backstreet Boys gave a heartfelt introduction to a member of the New Kids on the Block, and we all cheered. The most sentimental moment came when A.J. announced how much it meant to him to now be clean and sober, and then asked for a moment of silence for Amy Winehouse. Later, Howie introduced Danny in a “No One Gives a Damn About Us Being in These Groups” moment to end that portion of the show. I'm not sure how many times I heard “hardest working” and “great Dad” in this whole period, but all of these guys ran out of words to say to one another pretty quickly.

In the end, all I have to say is that these guys did put on a good show. It's likely that none of them want to be here at this point in their careers and still singing these same songs, but they have wives and kids and mortgages, so they have to do what's best for themselves. If they are unhappy, they have no reason to be. The arena was packed as if it was a concert during their actual eras of popularity, and they made a lot of women happy last night, so what more can you ask for? I had a fun time. Well, at least a number of $9 tall boy Bud Lights said I did.

MVP of the Night: Brian Littrell. He was the most humorous and presentable of everyone, and did a great job in singing to the girl he picked out.

Non-MVP of the Night: Nick Carter. I-O, Nick, I-O.

Biggest Disappointment: My hope of Jordan Knight setting the stage on fire with pyrotechnics and then breaking off from the rest of the group to sing this song did not happen: