Comedifans - Episode 031

Sumukh and Golak hit the road! Golak reports from Aruba and talks, for perhaps way too long, about NHL Playoffs, gambling, soccer, day drinking, Indians baseball, lady sized sports apparel, baseball fans, and meat. Sumukh checks in from Boston and talks about strange conversations, Big Ben, celebrity sitings, Fenway park, and the Tribe.

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Super Heroes

Check out this sketch from friend of SAGAttack, Matt Horn featuring me and Sumukh, and another SAGA friend, Laura Sanders. Horn's YouTube Channel, Mostly Rotten has some great content so check it out and subscribe.

I'll be out of the country from today until Monday night, so I may miss my Monday update...I know, I know, only 2 weeks in...but if so, I'll definitely double dip with a regular Thursday update and a Friday post. Comedifans will still be good to go on Tuesday with me and Sumukh both reporting from the road and possibly some special guests!

Comedifans Post-Game - Episode 030

The Great White Hype. It was mentioned at the top of Episode 030, so it can be mentioned at the top of this post. While not a great movie, definitely worth of a library pick-up (yes, that is an official rank in my rating system). Damon Wayans and Samuel L. Jackson (as a Don King type) are quite funny, and the movie sports a rather robust cast of characters outside of that--which the movie trailer does not hesitate to tell you about. Outside of that, while mostly silly, the movie does occasionally touch on some good satire of sports, particularly boxing. So, if you're a boxing fan, this movie may move up from "library pick-up" to "rent from video store" (Does this rating still apply? R.I.P. North Campus Video.)

Finally, let's touch on marriage proposals. Me and Sumukh are against public marriage proposals (and maybe marriage in general...). Brooke is pro public marriage proposals (and dog ring bearers). But more importantly, she claims that all women are a fan. I would have to disagree. But let's take it to the people! Ladies (or Gents, since we brought up women proposing to men, and/or men proposing to men in allowable states (Fuck you North Carolina!)), weigh in below in our poll and we'll go over the results in two weeks on Episode 032.

VOTING CLOSED

Let me just point out 2 exhibits below:



And to close out on the subject of marriage, the gay marriage ban passing in North Carolina is pretty enraging. Suck on this North Carolina (Yes, I realize Duke is also in North Carolina, but it still makes me happy to post this knowing it ruined half of North Carolina's day.)

This blog post was brought to you by parenthesis.

Comedifans - Episode 030

Sumukh and Golak sit down with guest Brooke Cartus. The group talks half marathon, Cinco de Mayo, weddings, Mayweather/Cotto, baby names, NHL Playoffs, NBA Playoffs, and Khloe and Lamar.

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Laugh Long Time!

Sometimes comedy shows are bad.  A lot of times, even if during the show is painful, the memory can be quite hilarious--especially when reminiscing with fellow comics.  My favorite story to shoot with comic friends isn't necessarily about a show.  The particular show I bring up was actually somewhat decent to perform at.  However, it was spawned from one of the most hilariously bad marketing pages I've ever had the honor to be a part of.

Early in my stand-up career I was asked to be part of the "Fresh Faces of Comedy X Tour" by Mullet King Productions.  Prestige just rings off those words, I know.  They needed a newer comic who might still have the sway among his friends and family to bring them out to a bar in Hillaird, I needed $20.  Only the latter was achieved.  While I had been performing long enough that said sway had weakened, I mostly just personally chose not to use what little I had left on this performance.  Mullet King Productions needed to get people out.  To the internet!

I can't believe this site is still live.  Hosting fees, domain name charges--someone is paying good, hard-earned money to keep this site alive.  For fear that it will go down any day, I've attached some screenshots.

This is the page.  Awesomely enough, almost everyone on this show went on to become, or are quickly growing into, great, working comics.  Save for Darren Butler.  You'd think that someone who won the clap-off at a local open mic with 5 of his friends in the crowd (out of a total 6 audience members) would be destined for stardom!  (Sarcasm).  However, he thought that.  He did buy the domain best-comedy.co.cc.  Don't try to go there, the domain has expired.  Oh, sweet irony.  You can still like "Best Comedy" on facebook.  You can be the 6th.  The other 5 must have been the people in the audience on that sweet, career-booming open mic night.

But don't worry, this show is packed with talent.  Like me!  I'm turning the heads of bookers and Hollywood agents!!!  Sadly, that is just as untrue today as it was about 3 years ago.  I'd like to, one day, have an agent.  A Hollywood agent would be nice, but I'm not picky on city of origin.  And I'm sure, if that day comes, his first piece of advice will be to do more 15 minute spots in Hillaird, Ohio.  The funniest thing to me though is the phrase, "You'll laugh 'long time.'"  I assume that is a reference to the movie Full Metal Jacket and the famous line it spawned.  Which prompted me to think 2 things:  Does the guy booking this show think I'm Asian?  And, if he does, does he think I will not be offended by this but instead welcome it in my bio?

Outside of my personal blurb, Travis Irvine's might be my favorite.  Simply, "Is he really running for the mayor of Bexley?"  Great pitch!  But, the funniest part may be, that out of all the bloated, unrealistic facts presented for each of the comics on this page, this is the one fact that could be Googled and immediately found to be true.

On a side, closing note.  R.I.P MCA.  I am a huge Beastie Boys fan and was very excited for their Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame induction earlier this year.  The Beastie Boys became part of the SAGAttack family early in its incarnation when the song "So What Cha Want" became the music for the opening of theme of "The Sumukh and Golak Attack" when it first hit the airwaves of Public Access.

The Capital City Half Marathon

I participated in the Capital City Half Marathon yesterday. It was the fifth half marathon of my illustrious running career (the only way I can stay in any level of shape) and no doubt would produce yet another mediocre result in the standings.

The morning started off well with a banana and a granola bar, and some general pump-up music to get me going at 6 A.M. Friends and I then carpooled our way down to the start line of the race.

One of our visits was to the port-a-potty. Hey, you got to make sure all bodily functions are covered prior to the race. I never feel entirely comfortable in a port-a-potty. Then again, I'm not sure anyone should. I often fear that the lock will just get jammed and I'll be stuck in the port-a-potty for the rest of my life. I also must say that it's weird to see poop in a port-a-potty. I understand. You got to poop, and it's before a race, but I now have no choice but to look at it.

I tried to get in at least a little bit of stretching, but as usual, the corrals were starting to fill up, so I needed to find a spot in the pack. The anticipation for the start of the race is always fun. Every person is excited. It's the kind of environment that you'd like to see everywhere. Also, a DJ plays a bunch of music to keep the crowd going. If you're wondering, yes, I heard Survivor's “Eye of The Tiger” and AC/DC's “Thunderstruck” multiple times. A surprising addition near the beginning of the race was this song that I had not heard in a while:

The race begins. I started off with a friend of mine at a slower pace than I signed up at. About three minutes into it, with people starting to spread, I decided to head off and began running through the crowds. Even just two miles in, I was starting to feel it a bit. The stretching was not as good as I would have liked! Why did we hang out more at the port-a-potties than stretch?!

In order to prevent myself from stopping, I bring a water bottle along with me. This allows me to not have to stop at Refueling Stations, which means I can at least kind of avoid the chaos of people dashing over for water and Gatorade, but doesn't prevent me from being hit in the head by a flying cup. Luckily, no such circumstances occurred. I just had to dodge tons of cups on the ground as usual.

I don't wear an iPod during the race. In fact, I don't own an iPod, which is odd considering how much music I do listen to. I am certainly in the minority by not wearing an iPod to the point that a friend in our carpool considered me crazy for not doing so. But, hey, I guess I'm old school. The long distance runners of the mid-20th Century didn't have such amenities. They also may not have had the same dieting planning as we do for races. They also couldn't set things up so that their times could be tweeted during the race (yes, that was available). Hmm, perhaps long distance running back in the day was far more reasonable.

As I didn't wear an iPod, I had the opportunity to enjoy the sounds of the race including DJs and random musicians. It ranged anywhere from a couple guys rapping encouraging words to off-key singing of ballads (which I'm hoping was a joke) to, hey, is that LMFAO playing yet again?

From mile 3 to mile 8, things started to feel a lot better. I was picking up the pace and was creeping up towards the goal that I needed to break my personal record. Sick of drinking what had now become warm water, I pulled out an Apple Cinnamon granola bar and started eating it. By eating it, I mean just shoving crumbs into my mouth as it had been jammed into the pocket of my water bottle. Not only was my face covered in sweat, but now it had random crumbs to complement it.

The granola bar and water always would give me a boost, but I was starting to fade as were many of the other runners. It's always an odd feeling to watch a fellow runner be treated by paramedics on the side of the race or just watch someone vomiting. As I checked my watch, I accepted that I was slowing up and not likely going to reach my goal. I looked out for my own safety, and after finishing up all the water in my water bottle, I stopped off at the final two Refueling Stations to ensure I was well hydrated for the final stretch.

I crossed the finish line, which is not surprisingly always an exhilarating feeling. I took a cold bottle of water and chugged it in less than a minute. Then, comes the food, where I basically take anything that's handed to me just so I can taste something other than the nothingness of water. “This is an asiago cheese bagel,” said the guy in front of the box of bagels. I don't care. It's going in my mouth. “How about some calcium chocolate?” At this point, I don't care if the element in the chocolate is lead.

The post-race is fantastic. I end up running into friends, co-workers, people who I haven't seen in a while, and even people who have seen a show and complimented me on my comedy. Everyone is positive and feels a sense of accomplishment. Oh, hey, we also get one free cup of Michelob Ultra? Oh, hey, we also get Ohio's #1 Top 40 Cover Band, Swagg?! Needless to say, I felt like Lance Armstrong while grooving to “Tik Tok.”

The best sign of the race was one that said, “You have great stamina! Call me!!” The woman holding this sign looked way too excited. Other memorable moments included me seeing 10TV's Andrea Cambern cheering on racers, an attractive woman blow snot out of her nose while she kept running, and an ambulance nearly taking out a ton of runners in the intersection thus potentially creating another emergency other than the one they were trying to attend to.

The official results had me finishing at 1:56:34. It was well below my personal record of 1:51:52, which I was hoping to improve on. But, it's not all about the time. It's about the experience, the challenge, and caring about your health. We all should follow the words of the woman in this hilarious clip that I cannot embed. Now, it's time for me to spend a week eating junk food.

This Week...Fun Shows, Not The Usual Crowds, and Shots!

On Monday night, I performed at the Funny Bone in Columbus. The headliner for the night was Mike Polk, a Cleveland comedian who is well recognized for his hilarious viral videos. If, for some reason, you haven't seen his most popular video, here it is:

Polk has done a series of videos about being a Browns fan as well including this memorable one (on a hilarious side note, this video may have been the kiss of death for Ryan Pontbriand, who was cut later in the season):

So, as a Cleveland native myself, it was pretty cool to be a part of this show. It was well attended by many people wearing Cleveland Browns and Indians T-shirts. It was kind of like bringing a Cleveland sports event into the realm of comedy, and thus merging two things I love into one for a night.

After my set, I found myself in a situation that can often happen at shows. A crowd member wanted to buy me a shot. I'm not much of a shot drinker, and thanked him for the offer, but said it was not necessary. He continued to push and looked like the type of guy that puts down shots pretty easily, so I finally agreed and said that I'd take a shot of Crown Royal, which is my go-to of liquor that I enjoy and also still makes me look like I actually am good at taking shots (I'm not really). When the guy returned, he brought back a shot for him and his friend which was some type of fruity mixed shot and then gave me the Crown. Well, had I know we were doing fruity mixed shots, I would have gladly taken one of those. Now, I felt like a jerk to have requested Crown plus I was drinking a shot that I did not even particularly want. But, it's hard to not offend someone who appreciated your performance while also trying to not convey that you're not much of a shot drinker.

Last night, I had the chance to see professional wrestler (and now stand-up comedian) Mick Foley perform at Woodlands Tavern. Rather than perform written jokes, Foley did a Q&A with the crowd that led into humorous stories. It actually worked a lot better than being a pure stand-up comedian as most people were out to see him because he was a wrestler and are wrestling fans. As a result, much like the Polk show feeling like a Cleveland sports comedy event, the Foley show felt like a wrestling crowd showed up to watch comedy. There was more ruckus than would be expected of a stand-up comedy show, and we cheered not necessarily at jokes but at strong comments as if Foley were trying to convince us of how hard he was going to pulverize an opponent in the ring. If you're not familiar with Mick Foley, here's his most famous moment. He had plenty of other hardcore moments in his career, which explained his noticeable limping at the show.

So, it's been a fun week of comedy with shows that were really good, but perhaps had a different feel than just a normal comedy show or comedy crowd. Also, if you're going to buy me something, please buy me a beer and not a shot. Or, just say kind words. That's good enough for me.

FrankenFood

By now, I'm sure most of you are familiar with Pizza Hut offering a pizza with hot dogs wrapped in the crust or Taco Bell offering the Doritos Loco taco shell (Cool Ranch coming in summer!). I'd love to see more foods coming together for the benefit of mankind. Below are some of my dream food combos.

1. Chicken Fried Mashed Potatoes

I love fried chicken. That probably has been established, disturbingly enough, by me and Sumukh in this blog before. But for the ultimate fried chicken experience, you need sides. Mashed potatoes are the Kind of Sides. The Robin to the the Batman that is fried chicken. KFC has already realized that their food is best enjoyed in tantalizing, mushed up bites ensuring a full-rounded flavor'splosion with the introduction of their "KFC Famous Bowls." Let's just take this the logically delicious step further. Take a ball of taters, flour it up, drop it in the frier, and serve one up to me. Gravy dipping sauces available Original, Brown, and White Country Style.


2. Macaroni & Cheese Nachos

Now, I have to admit, a prototype for this was created around 2004 by me and my college roommate Jon Perry (cleverly nicknamed "Perry"). Seeking sustenance, we decided to blend our minds together and come up with the perfect food. Achieving near perfection on the first try, the dish goes, layered--from bottom to top--in a giant casserole-type dish of your choosing then put in the over for 10ish minutes, tortilla chips, macaroni and cheese (Velveeta Shells & Cheese preferably), ground beef, salsa, a light sprinkling of cheddar cheese. Food companies seeking a new dish, I will sell you the rights to this cheap with this getting out to the public ASAP being the main concern I have. The general public, you're welcome.

3. Super Cookie Ice Cream Sandwich

Again, this is one that comes from the J-Golak personal library. Best part about this one: it is technically offered right now! I include it on the list because it is not explicitly offered, but available. Which is a shame and a major societal oversight. At any United Dairy Farmers (UDF), they now offer the option of creating your own ice cream sandwich with either an Oreo or chocolate chip cookie base. You pick the ice cream, they fill and serve. Most people probably go a classic vanilla or chocolate route. Amateurs! I, last summer, went chocolate chip shell with cookies 'n' cream innards. It was one of the best things I've ever eaten. Oreo shell with chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, while not tested by me, seems just as likely to get you hard/wet (depending on your parts).

Feel free to comment with any oversights you think the food companies of America have missed!

Comedifans Post-Game - Episode 029

The Career of Thomas Ian Nicholas:

Probably best known as the high-cheese throwing kid pitcher from Rookie of the Year, Nicholas went on to be in other things! Unfortunately typecast--as a little league player that ends up in whacky situations--Nicholas went on to start in A Kid in King Arthur's Court. As mentioned in the podcast, it is based on a Mark Twain novel of almost the same name and the trailer starts off in a way that it appears to be a sequel to Rookie of the Year.

Sequels wouldn't be out of the work schedule for Nicholas, however. He first starred in a sequel to A Kid in King Arthur's Court called A Kid in Aladdin's Palace. This sequel was apparently not even popular by "somewhere on the internet" standards. No trailer appears on YouTube, but there is a clip from the movie by someone who, while not a Nicholas fan, seems to be a Doom 2 fan.

With the sequel bug now wiggling inside him, Nicholas went on to star in all four of the American Pie movies (that were in theaters)--sadly having me owe Sumukh a beer as I was for sure he stepped out on American Wedding.

Now in a band of some sorts, we at SAGAttack.com (I didn't ask Sumukh before writing this, but I assume he agrees) wish Thomas Ian Nicholas the best!

P.S. Don't forget about the best (sorry Nicholas...close second though) Thomas Ian--Thomas Ian Griffith! Best known as Terry Silver from Karate Kid 3, Griffith is awesome in the movie Excessive Force. Thanks to the beauty of a $4 price tag and an awesome free shipping policy by Amazon, that movie will be being owned by me very soon. It must have been sweet to be a cop or bad ass in the 90s. No one knew how to defend high, spinning head kicks! Perfect that move and you could kick undefendable ass all day long. Also, as of typing this, the full movie was available by not one but two users on YouTube. Yay, internet! Enjoy.

Episode 028 Appendix - Powder Drinking Game:

Rules:

Any time someone says energy - 1 drink

Any time there is visible electricity - 1 drink
If the electricity interacts with Powder - 2 drinks

Any time Powder does something crazy smart - 1 drink
If he's using a special power like telekinesis - 2 drinks

Any time people "don't get" or are scared by Powder - 1 drink
If he's being actively bullied - 2 drinks
If Bradford Tatum (John) is doing either - "Ten" drinks for his resemblance to Eddie Vedder

Any time Jeff Goldblum mentions Einstein - 1 drink
If it's to Powder - 2 drinks

Any time someone breaches the realms of consciousness and reality, expands the arena of normal human thought and existence, and, in turn, transubstantiates into pure energy - weep and finish your beer.

Wikipedia research allowed me to find out the fact that Powder recently was given a Bollywood remake. While the trailer isn't subtitled, it seams to be a fairly good representation of the source material. However, it does seem odd that in this version, the "Powder" character is dark in skin tone than the female lead. So, if you can't find a copy of Powder at your local library, maybe try finding a copy of Alag at your local Indian Grocer.

Comedifans - Episode 029

Sumukh and Golak are back with a guest. Dan Loper joins the two and trio talks The Browns' Draft, The Browns' 2012-13 record predictions, Thomas Ian Nicholas, the American Pie movies, Mark Twain, Indians baseball, the AL Central, the conclusion to Sumukh's weight training tease, and a new Comedifans feature that can be found at SAGAttack.com every Wednesday.

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