A good article about the Columbus comedy scene, where it's at, and where (hopefully) it's going.
Check it out here.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
The Legend of Don Criqui
I love Don Criqui. Who is Don Criqui? Well, he just happens to be one of the greatest sports broadcasters in television history as far as I'm concerned. He's the finest example of a guy whose had a long career working some of the worst games in football history.
If you love the Cleveland Browns and you're age 25 and up, then you've basically had a sexual relationship with Don Criqui for most of your life. Criqui is the guy they send to the terrible game of the week, and it was no different this week as Criqui was the play-by-play man for CBS's coverage of the Browns-Dolphins.
Criqui is so good at this job that two networks gave him the position: NBC and CBS. I remember his days at NBC with Bob Trumpy. Who can forget both of them hovering in a booth at Riverfront Stadium for a Browns-Bengals pre-game discussion as they tried to give some level of energy while still not conveying how dead they felt on the inside to have to watch the display that was about to happen on the field? Don Criqui would feed a wonderful lead-in question to Bob Trumpy's giant glasses that would just stare at you as he tried to give some merit to David Klingler's mediocre statistics. When football left NBC, Criqui moved to CBS where there was no Trumpy to follow to actually make it a good broadcasting booth. Instead, he was partnered with none other than such legends as awful Beasley Reece and “I Can't Cut It With Dennis Miller” Dan Fouts.
Criqui was the play-by-play man for the Browns preseason one year, and it was easily the greatest preseason ever. It was almost as if Criqui accepted the fact that he would be doing so many Browns games during the year for CBS that he might as well just get to learn the team in the preseason. I can only hope Don moved to Cleveland for that brief period of time (when you move to Cleveland hypothetically, I'm suddenly on a first-name basis with you).
Criqui is now partnered with Randy Cross, and there were certainly some fantastic moments in today's 17-16 win for the Browns. First, the game worked like every other game that Criqui broadcasts, which is that it stunk and there were few exciting moments. Not that there should be any excitement as Criqui never shows any signs of his voice getting that much louder for a big play (how can he? He's gotten so familiar with there not being any). Cross served his role well as being a color commentator who gives nothing to Criqui. The best moments of the game came on the Browns' touchdown winning drive, which not surprisingly is when the best broadcasting moments happened as well.
After the Dolphins kicked a field goal and the Browns had possession again, Criqui remarked, “They are going to need some downfield throws!” This is why I love Criqui. He's like your grandpa that managed to get employed as a broadcaster. Every thing he says could lead to the response, “(enter comment)? (enter statement citing your wonder at Criqui's age).” In this case, I said to myself, “Downfield throws? Aww, Criqui, I love you. Tell us about Watergate!”
In response, Cross said, “They're going to need chunks of yards.” The Browns completed a 5-yard pass. Cross remarks, “There's a mini-chunk.” If I opened up my refrigerator and pulled out the Dos Equis in there, I could have played a drinking game with one drink for Cross saying the word “chunk” and double drinks for “mini-chunk” in that final drive and ended up buzzed by the end of the game (which, given the outcome of the game, would have been pretty awesome). If you want to get partnered with Don Criqui, this is how you do it. Grab a theme/word that is ridiculous and stick with it. Also, provide uninformative analysis. (Two side notes: what a fall for Randy Cross. Remember that he used to be in the studio for CBS and now he's partnered with Criqui. Also, I'm calling Solomon Wilcots as a future Don Criqui partner with his "Solomon's Wisdom" biblical-esque points for the game that's really catching on in not being popular at all).
Speaking of Cross's terrible analysis, it continued when he said during the drive, “This is reminding me of the Kardiac Kids.” Yes, who can forget when the Kardiac Kids put up 10 points and looked non-existent for most games? It was a nice attempt by Cross to give some merit to this otherwise uninteresting game he's at. Then, Grandpa Criqui chimed in, “I remember when I was at the game in 1981 when Mike Davis went up and made that interception...” As Browns fans, we try to not think of that as the lasting image of the Kardiac Kids even though it was, but hey, it's that type of jinxing from Criqui that probably got us the game-winning touchdown today!
Criqui still had one last moment of greatness when he said that the Dolphins would call a timeout to stop the clock after a Browns' kneel with 15 seconds left. “Oh, they're not going to do it. They'll just let the clock run out.” “Not call a timeout and hope for an odd fumble on a kneel? Oh, Criqui I love you! Tell us about any conversation you had with Don Strock again!”
It appears every sports television network has to keep an aging veteran broadcaster who may be senile. It must be some affirmative action thing. But, hey, you can take Brent Musburger if you'd like, but I want Criqui!
Sunday, September 4, 2011
My History with Pro Wrestling
When I was four years old, I remember going into my brother’s room as he was watching television. There was a shirtless man on the screen. His biceps were bulging, his chest was oily with not a speck of hair, a vein popped from his forehead that had colorful face paint on it, and he was screaming at us about the type of physical damage that he was going to do to somebody. That man was the Ultimate Warrior, and I left my brother’s room crying and frightened.
When I was eight, I somehow got sucked back into the world of pro wrestling. It was likely because it was the equivalent of a cartoon. That era of pro wrestling brought together some of the most absurd and hilarious characters from a “Ugandan Giant” to an alligator wrestler from the Everglades to Bastion Booger (you guessed it, he was all about the boogers, and really had no other marketable characteristics). We didn’t have cable television in my household at the time, so pro wrestling was one of the better forms of entertainment for children that was available to me. I remember being on the fence about my commitment to pro wrestling until I was at the library and picked up a copy of WWF Magazine (now WWE thanks to the World Wildlife Fund). They had highlights of Wrestlemania VIII, which included a photo of “Macho Man” Randy Savage pulling down Ric Flair’s trunks to reveal his buttocks. I wondered why they would allow that to be published, but at the same time, couldn’t stop laughing at Ric Flair’s butt. To me, this was as funny and entertaining as Scooby Doo with the addition of violence and the kind of nudity that would make me run out of the West Park YMCA’s gym locker room laughing. Okay, pro wrestling, you got me.
Over the years, my interest in wrestling has been a roller coaster ride. After pro wrestling left local channels and syndication entirely for cable, it was no longer accessible. Then, we had cable just as the WCW was on the rise with the nWo. After that, the Attitude Era emerged and I was fully back in along with pretty much everyone in easily the most popular point in wrestling’s history during my life. How popular was the Attitude Era? I remember in high school that there were guys who would consistently wear The Rock’s T-shirts. There was a popular girl who referenced D-Generation X and the “Suck It” motion. My favorite class in high school was Drawing in 9th grade. Why? For reasons I’m still unclear of to this day, the last five minutes of class always seemed to end up involving wrestling because there were so many people in the class who loved it. Sure, I like drawing, but this is the only class I took in all my years of education where I can say I gave a DDT to another guy in the classroom.
When I went to college, wrestling had changed. The Attitude Era had ended and there wasn’t really anything remarkable happening that kept me watching. I figured that I wouldn’t ever return to having the interest level that I once did with wrestling.
Then, I became a stand-up comedian, and found that the world of stand-up comedy or of any individual performer isn’t that far off from the experience of the professional wrestler. This fact was expressed particularly well in Darren Aronofsky’s The Wrestler. While I’ve heard plenty of criticism about the movie because it has a fairly standard plot or that the film was nothing new for a knowledgeable wrestling fan, there were still some points that really hit home as a comedian. The movie highlighted the road and the ups-and-downs that come with such a pursuit in life. My favorite scene (which sadly YouTube does not have) is when Randy “The Ram” meets his opponent for the night, Tommy Rotten, for the first time. To begin with, in comedy, you’ll work with guys like Randy “The Ram.” They were comics who were at the top or may have had a chance and then are back at this level either by blowing the opportunity or by time just not being on their side. Now, they’re back to the lower levels and looking to be back on top again but are working with the up-and-comers like Tommy Rotten. In the scene, there’s a wonderful mix of respect. “The Ram” acknowledges that he’s seen Tommy’s abilities and is encouraging, and Tommy politely accepts his comments with gratitude knowing that it means a lot to him to get appreciation from a legend that has the experience and has likely seen everything that comes with the business. With the rundown of the card for the night in the locker room and the camaraderie among the wrestlers, there was too much that reminded me of what it means to be a stand-up comedian.
At the beginning of the year, I was in Cleveland visiting my parents and turned on WWE Smackdown! out of curiosity. I immediately liked the recent Royal Rumble winner, Alberto Del Rio. He handled his work on the microphone very well, his wrestling was good (my own further research showed he had developed plenty of experience wrestling in Mexico and came from a family of prominent Mexican wrestlers), and his charisma reminded me of The Rock. If someone could get me back into wrestling, it would be this guy, but it was because I now liked wrestling for a completely different reason. It wasn’t the cartoon aspect, but the art of it.
Along with a group of friends who all had a similar up-and-down interest in wrestling but still lived for the nostalgia, I went to a live Smackdown! when it came to Columbus. It’s always great to see a live event because you can act like a complete idiot in that environment and you can see the art in action in front of you. I enjoyed attending the live event, but I still wasn’t totally aboard.
Then, this happened:
For people who have no interest in wrestling, this means nothing in a way, but to me, it was more than what an average pro wrestling fan may have loved about it. Sure, a fan loves that CM Punk went at what had been wrong with wrestling recently and that he brilliantly blurred the line between what was real and what was scripted. Both those things are fantastic, but I grew to respect CM Punk more so after reading this GQ article, which (strange to say) has been the most inspirational commentary from someone that I have read since it came out a couple months ago. Whether it’s his character or him or a fusion of both, I’m not sure, but the following quotes hit home to me because it was all too familiar in the stand-up world and perhaps with plenty of other artistic pursuits:
“Dusty Rhodes told me a long time ago that the best promos come from the heart.”
“If you're like me, this was your dream job; you worked 13 years to get to where you are. The normal course of action is mouth shut, eyes and ears open, not stepping on toes. But that's how you get ahead. A squeaky wheel gets the grease. If something sucks, I've always been completely vocal about it, and I've been punished many, many times because of that. But I don't think I'd be in the spot I'm in right now if I wasn't me. I've always just been me.”
“Part of it is that there's no territories; there's no place for people to learn. And the places that people can learn aren't the best, and they're completely looked down upon. Like independent wrestling. It's easy to shit on people from a great height, but it's another thing to pull them aside and try to impart knowledge. And I've been on the other side of the coin where I try to help somebody out and they blow me off like they know everything.”
“I was bored. I needed something new. I set the bar high: Working with the WWE. I figured out that if I went to work there then, they'd say I'm not big enough, so I kicked my own ass and got into mega-shape. I ordered my own gear. They contacted me, and I said, "Give me three months to get into shape, so when I go there, you can't say no." That's what I did. In any situation, the cream rises to the top. I didn't have an easy go of it; they hired me and sent me into their developmental system. But I've always worked my ass off. I'm never satisfied. It's like that now; that's what keeps driving me. And I think that's how I worked here, because I don't take no for an answer.”
“I would never be happy with just coming to TV tapings, not working house shows, and just getting by, staying in the shadows. I'm proud of the fact that I can turn chickenshit to chicken salad.”
“To get back from working a main event match, where you're hungry and tired and hurt, and everyone's already left the building, there's luggage bag-tags, half-eaten food, sweaty wrist-tape, shit strewn all about—I'm that guy who says, "Hey everybody, we're going to have a meeting, and I'm going to tell you to clean up the fucking locker room." It never gets done; it's one of those things.”
“Your ascension as a locker-room leader is one of those things that naturally happens. I would like to think that, instead of being the guy who yells at them to pick shit up, maybe they look at me as a leader. But maybe that's premature in my career.”
This portion may have been a long-winded, CM Punk loving section, but it gets to the main point that the GQ article got me back into it all with wrestling. Ric Flair’s butt got me into the childish, cartoon aspect of wrestling when I was a kid. However, The Wrestler, CM Punk’s interview, and just a more mature, artistic viewpoint on what I’m watching has changed how I interact with wrestling entirely. I watch it now because I appreciate a guy like CM Punk because of his diligence and that his hard work and determination to be himself paid off despite all the crap that he (and anyone else as well) experienced on his way up. I can also see that a person doesn’t put their body on the line night in and night out if he/she doesn’t have a passion for it (and probably an insane mind) just as a comedian or any other performer does by getting up on stage.
Sure, pro wrestling is covered in terrible plotlines, determined outcomes, and the notion that it is fake, and I can respect all those opinions. I’m not expecting everyone to be thrilled by it or not feel annoyed by it because of those aspects. But, there’s an art to every fall, every leap, and every word that comes out of a wrestler’s mouth that a comedian, a thespian, a musician, etc. should find relatable. The desire to pursue that and work hard at it and deal with the difficulties of everything that comes with it should be understandable and appreciated by everyone because no matter what walk of life you have, one would hope that you have a passion for something in a similar way. I don’t expect everyone to love wrestling, but I would at least hope that everyone could relate to and respect what it is that they do.
That’s why I’ll be joining my friends yet again at Monday Night Raw live tomorrow night in Columbus. At this point, it’s not that I care about plot points as I did when I was a kid who didn’t understand how The Undertaker would consistently not get a title shot. Rather, I want to see that these wrestlers give it their all as performers and care about putting on a good show. On a side note, I will be wearing my newly acquired child size WWE championship belt to this event. While I may have grown up as a wrestling observer, there’s still the little kid inside of me that will be in attendance, too.
When I was eight, I somehow got sucked back into the world of pro wrestling. It was likely because it was the equivalent of a cartoon. That era of pro wrestling brought together some of the most absurd and hilarious characters from a “Ugandan Giant” to an alligator wrestler from the Everglades to Bastion Booger (you guessed it, he was all about the boogers, and really had no other marketable characteristics). We didn’t have cable television in my household at the time, so pro wrestling was one of the better forms of entertainment for children that was available to me. I remember being on the fence about my commitment to pro wrestling until I was at the library and picked up a copy of WWF Magazine (now WWE thanks to the World Wildlife Fund). They had highlights of Wrestlemania VIII, which included a photo of “Macho Man” Randy Savage pulling down Ric Flair’s trunks to reveal his buttocks. I wondered why they would allow that to be published, but at the same time, couldn’t stop laughing at Ric Flair’s butt. To me, this was as funny and entertaining as Scooby Doo with the addition of violence and the kind of nudity that would make me run out of the West Park YMCA’s gym locker room laughing. Okay, pro wrestling, you got me.
Over the years, my interest in wrestling has been a roller coaster ride. After pro wrestling left local channels and syndication entirely for cable, it was no longer accessible. Then, we had cable just as the WCW was on the rise with the nWo. After that, the Attitude Era emerged and I was fully back in along with pretty much everyone in easily the most popular point in wrestling’s history during my life. How popular was the Attitude Era? I remember in high school that there were guys who would consistently wear The Rock’s T-shirts. There was a popular girl who referenced D-Generation X and the “Suck It” motion. My favorite class in high school was Drawing in 9th grade. Why? For reasons I’m still unclear of to this day, the last five minutes of class always seemed to end up involving wrestling because there were so many people in the class who loved it. Sure, I like drawing, but this is the only class I took in all my years of education where I can say I gave a DDT to another guy in the classroom.
When I went to college, wrestling had changed. The Attitude Era had ended and there wasn’t really anything remarkable happening that kept me watching. I figured that I wouldn’t ever return to having the interest level that I once did with wrestling.
Then, I became a stand-up comedian, and found that the world of stand-up comedy or of any individual performer isn’t that far off from the experience of the professional wrestler. This fact was expressed particularly well in Darren Aronofsky’s The Wrestler. While I’ve heard plenty of criticism about the movie because it has a fairly standard plot or that the film was nothing new for a knowledgeable wrestling fan, there were still some points that really hit home as a comedian. The movie highlighted the road and the ups-and-downs that come with such a pursuit in life. My favorite scene (which sadly YouTube does not have) is when Randy “The Ram” meets his opponent for the night, Tommy Rotten, for the first time. To begin with, in comedy, you’ll work with guys like Randy “The Ram.” They were comics who were at the top or may have had a chance and then are back at this level either by blowing the opportunity or by time just not being on their side. Now, they’re back to the lower levels and looking to be back on top again but are working with the up-and-comers like Tommy Rotten. In the scene, there’s a wonderful mix of respect. “The Ram” acknowledges that he’s seen Tommy’s abilities and is encouraging, and Tommy politely accepts his comments with gratitude knowing that it means a lot to him to get appreciation from a legend that has the experience and has likely seen everything that comes with the business. With the rundown of the card for the night in the locker room and the camaraderie among the wrestlers, there was too much that reminded me of what it means to be a stand-up comedian.
At the beginning of the year, I was in Cleveland visiting my parents and turned on WWE Smackdown! out of curiosity. I immediately liked the recent Royal Rumble winner, Alberto Del Rio. He handled his work on the microphone very well, his wrestling was good (my own further research showed he had developed plenty of experience wrestling in Mexico and came from a family of prominent Mexican wrestlers), and his charisma reminded me of The Rock. If someone could get me back into wrestling, it would be this guy, but it was because I now liked wrestling for a completely different reason. It wasn’t the cartoon aspect, but the art of it.
Along with a group of friends who all had a similar up-and-down interest in wrestling but still lived for the nostalgia, I went to a live Smackdown! when it came to Columbus. It’s always great to see a live event because you can act like a complete idiot in that environment and you can see the art in action in front of you. I enjoyed attending the live event, but I still wasn’t totally aboard.
Then, this happened:
For people who have no interest in wrestling, this means nothing in a way, but to me, it was more than what an average pro wrestling fan may have loved about it. Sure, a fan loves that CM Punk went at what had been wrong with wrestling recently and that he brilliantly blurred the line between what was real and what was scripted. Both those things are fantastic, but I grew to respect CM Punk more so after reading this GQ article, which (strange to say) has been the most inspirational commentary from someone that I have read since it came out a couple months ago. Whether it’s his character or him or a fusion of both, I’m not sure, but the following quotes hit home to me because it was all too familiar in the stand-up world and perhaps with plenty of other artistic pursuits:
“Dusty Rhodes told me a long time ago that the best promos come from the heart.”
“If you're like me, this was your dream job; you worked 13 years to get to where you are. The normal course of action is mouth shut, eyes and ears open, not stepping on toes. But that's how you get ahead. A squeaky wheel gets the grease. If something sucks, I've always been completely vocal about it, and I've been punished many, many times because of that. But I don't think I'd be in the spot I'm in right now if I wasn't me. I've always just been me.”
“Part of it is that there's no territories; there's no place for people to learn. And the places that people can learn aren't the best, and they're completely looked down upon. Like independent wrestling. It's easy to shit on people from a great height, but it's another thing to pull them aside and try to impart knowledge. And I've been on the other side of the coin where I try to help somebody out and they blow me off like they know everything.”
“I was bored. I needed something new. I set the bar high: Working with the WWE. I figured out that if I went to work there then, they'd say I'm not big enough, so I kicked my own ass and got into mega-shape. I ordered my own gear. They contacted me, and I said, "Give me three months to get into shape, so when I go there, you can't say no." That's what I did. In any situation, the cream rises to the top. I didn't have an easy go of it; they hired me and sent me into their developmental system. But I've always worked my ass off. I'm never satisfied. It's like that now; that's what keeps driving me. And I think that's how I worked here, because I don't take no for an answer.”
“I would never be happy with just coming to TV tapings, not working house shows, and just getting by, staying in the shadows. I'm proud of the fact that I can turn chickenshit to chicken salad.”
“To get back from working a main event match, where you're hungry and tired and hurt, and everyone's already left the building, there's luggage bag-tags, half-eaten food, sweaty wrist-tape, shit strewn all about—I'm that guy who says, "Hey everybody, we're going to have a meeting, and I'm going to tell you to clean up the fucking locker room." It never gets done; it's one of those things.”
“Your ascension as a locker-room leader is one of those things that naturally happens. I would like to think that, instead of being the guy who yells at them to pick shit up, maybe they look at me as a leader. But maybe that's premature in my career.”
This portion may have been a long-winded, CM Punk loving section, but it gets to the main point that the GQ article got me back into it all with wrestling. Ric Flair’s butt got me into the childish, cartoon aspect of wrestling when I was a kid. However, The Wrestler, CM Punk’s interview, and just a more mature, artistic viewpoint on what I’m watching has changed how I interact with wrestling entirely. I watch it now because I appreciate a guy like CM Punk because of his diligence and that his hard work and determination to be himself paid off despite all the crap that he (and anyone else as well) experienced on his way up. I can also see that a person doesn’t put their body on the line night in and night out if he/she doesn’t have a passion for it (and probably an insane mind) just as a comedian or any other performer does by getting up on stage.
Sure, pro wrestling is covered in terrible plotlines, determined outcomes, and the notion that it is fake, and I can respect all those opinions. I’m not expecting everyone to be thrilled by it or not feel annoyed by it because of those aspects. But, there’s an art to every fall, every leap, and every word that comes out of a wrestler’s mouth that a comedian, a thespian, a musician, etc. should find relatable. The desire to pursue that and work hard at it and deal with the difficulties of everything that comes with it should be understandable and appreciated by everyone because no matter what walk of life you have, one would hope that you have a passion for something in a similar way. I don’t expect everyone to love wrestling, but I would at least hope that everyone could relate to and respect what it is that they do.
That’s why I’ll be joining my friends yet again at Monday Night Raw live tomorrow night in Columbus. At this point, it’s not that I care about plot points as I did when I was a kid who didn’t understand how The Undertaker would consistently not get a title shot. Rather, I want to see that these wrestlers give it their all as performers and care about putting on a good show. On a side note, I will be wearing my newly acquired child size WWE championship belt to this event. While I may have grown up as a wrestling observer, there’s still the little kid inside of me that will be in attendance, too.
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