4 Things That Should Be At ComFest Sometime In The Future

With ComFest coming up, I recently started thinking about the event in general. I titled this list things that "should" be at ComFest to be purposefully ambiguous. Because the things on this list are not just my straight opinions, they are a varying combination of things a) I personally would like to see at ComFest, b) I can't believe aren't already at ComFest/I see them coming in some form in the future, and/or c) I think would help the event or just add new elements to it.

1) BYOB License

Over the last couple years specifically, there has been a real crackdown on BYOB. In some part for safety concerns but mostly to keep needed moneys flowing into the event via beer sales. I am mixed about the beer sales at ComFest, but I mostly except them as completely necessary. While overpriced beer, and the inconvenient money-to-token-to-beer-festival-money-double-buy bullshit system that goes along with it, is a festival staple, the free-love, fun-time aspect of the this particular festival always made it seem out of place. But I understand. It always makes me think of that scene in "Harold & Kumar" when Kumar is trying to buy weed off the shrimpy, stoner kid and, realizing the supply & demand situation, the kid grossly overcharges him. When Kumar gets mad and says that he thought the kid was "a hippie," the kid responds, "I'm a business hippie." That's ComFest. And I'm fine with that. Money keeps the festival alive, so one mug for me please.

However, it brings to my mind a secondary business strategy that could be used based on a business from back around where I'm from in Cleveland. A local, family run Drive-In Theatre around where I grew up was struggling to stay in business and keep a (unfortunately) dying business alive for future generations of both patrons and business owners. With the price of movie rights going up, more money needed to come in and they didn't want to raise ticket prices. Concessions were a big part of where they made it into the black. But anyone who knows drive-ins, knows you bring your own snacks. Well, this drive-in said, no snacks, you're good--bring your own snacks, $10 outside food license. Again, at first, seems imposing. But you realize in the end, it's still a good deal if you choose to take it and it's a way you can get what you want without bleeding the thing you want dry to get it. Why not just pay x amount of dollars, get a personal beer bringers license, and then you get to walk around with a 6-pack of tallboys clipped to your belt like cousin Eddie from "Vegas Vacation." Seems like a win-win.

2) Corporate Boobs

This is primarily filed under the things I don't necessarily want, I'm just surprised it hasn't happened yet.

Now, I'll be honest upfront so when I claim non-dirtbagness, you'll believe me. I like breasts. If they're there, I will look...and usually enjoy. Not for a creepy length. But boobs. Me = Fan.

But I never understood guys who "go to ComFest for the boobs." Dude, ComFest has so much other cool shit. If you want tits, go to a strip club, or better yet, de-creepify slightly and get a fucking girlfriend.

However, ComFest is known for this. Columbus allows women to be topless in public. It's a well known little nugget, and the celebration of it at ComFest is probably more well known.

I just can't believe that no business, especially with such a douchey Arena District adjacent to the good vibes festivities, has sent topless girls down to Goodale Park. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying that I can't believe the skeezies over at Jager who send girls out to bars in tight little black outfits every weekend haven't thought about going slightly further up (or, I guess down) the objectifying ladder and just sent topless girls to a stage to hand out beads and key chain bottle openers.

3) Sports

I love sports. Why not at ComFest? I'm from Cleveland, and while having teams (even horrible ones) in 3 of the 4 major leagues is a really underrated awesome thing (and something Columbus has been craving for years), what you do have in C-Bus is a great gaggle of small, really cool leagues.

I've been to many Ohio Roller Girl events while living here, and they are awesome. Why not have them run a few meets over on the tennis courts...or even on a fucking stage. It'd be amazing. Did you know Columbus has a team in a female football league? They do. The Comets. Why don't you fence off a little area and have them run a little 30-minute scrimmage on a 40-yard field. Anything really. Have the OSU Football team play a flag football game and charge a few buck for a meet and greet afterwards with the money going to charity. (Double bonus would be that they NEED the good PR at this point).

I just think sports, while not art, is entertainment, and probably the next in line (if not before for some people) after the stuff already gracing the stage at this place. And, if you want local, nothing outside of artists really cements community pride and unity outside of a sports team everyone can root for. Especially, like noted, when you have such unique local athletes in your area.

4) Weed Tent

Just like boobs. You know it'll be there. But, it's really not supposed to be, and they'll make that (although with tongue seemingly firmly against cheek) clear when festival runners warn that security will be on the lookout for people using and issue citations.

I feel bad. I might get one funnel cake. But not 3. Potheads not only fund the festival that way, but, even as someone who has been drunk but not high at any ComFest I've attended, feel that the stoners really give the Festival the free, fun atmosphere it really needs to standout and feel different and cool.

Why not have one tent, where you go into, and that's okay. No more hiding behind bushes or holding up the Port-a-Potty lines. It's like the international waters of weed. Haven't our buzzed up brethren earned at least that? Hell, attach it to the first idea, charge $5 to get in, and put that towards next year.

Business hippies.

SAGA Does Music/Musica

So, sadly, a recent sketch that Sumukh and myself had planned on debuting today will not be existing anytime soon. Through some minor technical mistakes on me and Sumukh's ends, we have lost a good chunk of the footage. While we may try and re-record it and get the sketch out in the future, we will probably just try and move forward with new content. But not all is lost! Some of the footage was spared, and is what lead me to the idea of this post. It's like they say, when life takes your lemons, make a smaller, but equally delicious batch of lemonade.

The sketch, in short, involved me leaving SAGA in search of fame and fortune as a musician who performed TV theme songs. At one point in the sketch, Sumukh asks me how the career switch is going and I mention that one song has caught on. This was that song:

This also made me think of another (previously unreleased!) example of SAGA venturing into the music world. Months ago, for a Monday Night Live sketch show in C-Bus, there was a sketch that imagined the Chilean Miners who were trapped in the mine for 69 days (remember that?). It imagined the miners taking on a dynamic to kids trapped in detention and took many cues from a famous teen movie. I made this song to use as the sketch closed out:

Thanks for listening to SAGA's contributions/abominations to music!

Hair Today, Gone Also Today

I am hairy. I don’t remember not having hair on my body. I’ve always had mixed feelings about body waxing and men and during the rise of metrosexuality, I stood by the rights of the hairy man. But, I always feel that I should try something once that I either am fascinated by or criticize, so I took the plunge and got my back waxed this week.

When I arrived at the salon, I was offered water or tea. This never happened when I went to the barber shop! (On a side note, I haven’t been to a barber shop in years thanks to baldness. God likes to toy with some hairy men) As I sipped my water, I was taken back to a room of scented candles and nice New Age (or voodoo depending on your perspective) music. It was relaxing given I had just gotten off a long day of work.

As I had never even experienced waxing before, my entire perception came from movies like The 40 Year Old Virgin or random scenes of men screaming in pain while getting waxed. I was preparing for such an experience. But, in reality, it wasn’t that bad at all. My esthetician actually complimented me on my lack of flinching. That made me feel good. I’m a real man. Real men don’t scream during their back waxes. It was also a historical moment for both me and my esthetician. For me, it was the first time I ever got a waxing done. For my esthetician, it was the first time a person almost fell asleep during a waxing. It wasn’t a testament to her workmanship. I just found the whole experience to be so relaxing. It was like the environment of a massage except tons of my hairs were being ripped out of my body. It’s also evidence that I’m probably not getting enough sleep that a table and New Age music had more of an effect on me than someone tearing something from my body.

In the end, I walk away with a clean back that can be displayed with my mediocre physique on a nice beach vacation getaway soon. Would I endorse the experience to someone interested in doing it for the first time? Definitely. Will I ever do it again? I don’t know. I actually found it to be fun but in the process I may have turned my back (no pun intended or pun intended – who knows?) on who I am and my gender and my race. Ehh, why should I look at this with any depth? My back is so smooth!

What's Up Columbus with Justin Golak - May Edition Highlights Part 3 of 3

This coming Thursday, June 2nd, at 10PM at Kafe Kerouac is the June Edition of "What's Up Columbus with Justin Golak", Columbus' only late night talk show style show.

In the next three days leading up to it, I will post some highlights from last month's show right here on SAGAttack.

Also, please don't forget to vote for the intro music for the June Edition HERE. Voting closes Wednesday at 11:59PM and the winner will be revealed LIVE on Thursday at the show! Don't miss your chance to make a mark on this month's festivities.

Today's clips features my buddy, and site partner, Sumukh Torgalkar, helping me start "The Dick And Joke Project," which is a comical play off The Dick And Jane Project. The Dick And Jane Project is an awesome project run by that month's guest, Ben Shinabery, which hooks up young school children with local musicians to create songs.