Sumukh's Year in Review Stand-Up Set

Ring in the New Year with Sumukh telling you a very personal, and never before told, story about his life which summarizes his 2010.

Sumukh's Guilty Pleasure Song of 2010!

Is it possible to label a song released in 2009 as your “Guilty Pleasure Song of 2010”? In my world, yes, because I'm odd and I don't work for a major media outlet which would take issue with such an article. But, that was the kind of impact that David Guetta's “Sexy Bitch” ft. Akon had on my 2010. Take a look at the song and video and then read below on what I learned from the genius of Guetta as I danced like a madman on many a night in 2010 to this song:

(Be aware that this is the edited version. The unedited contains more scantily clad women including two of them who choose to engage in a kiss for our viewing pleasure. Needless to say, I chose to take the respectful route for this post for our fans under the age of 18 – thanks, YouTube rules!)

What makes a guilty pleasure song for me is a combination of how catchy it is and how much you just want to hate the song because it truly is terrible, but you can't because of how damn good it is in its badness. That's where Guetta is a genius. The beat is head-bobbingly (not a word, but should be) good and well worth a grind that produces boners on the dance floor. Its lyrics are so hilariously bad when actually analyzing them yet you can't stop yourself from yelling them along with the song. Here are the examples:

“Neighborhood whore.”

Analyst: You probably should get out of the neighborhood if there's a whore hanging around especially if she's an actual whore.

Me on the Dance Floor: NEIGHBORHOOD WHORE! (point to sky, then throw down arm, as if putting said neighborhood whore into her rightful place)

“I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful.”

Analyst: Have you never talked to a woman before in any type of normal social setting where manners are needed?

Me on the Dance Floor: DISRESPECTFUUUULLLL! (dance that involves my arms spread out and a facial expression of confusion)

I also have to give it to these two guys: they managed to create a music video equally as ridiculous as the song. The best moment is when Guetta and Akon first meet – I've never seen two men so genuinely excited in a way that makes them look like they don't belong around these hot women at all. Their movements make Balki and Larry's “Dance of Joy” on Perfect Strangers seem like a hotbed of heterosexuality. Also, how awesome would it have been to be a male extra in this music video? “Okay, all you need to do is shake hands with this guy, jump around here and there, grind on this hot, nearly naked woman, and jump in this pool. You'll get your check at the end of the shoot.” Every one of those male extras should be kissing their agents' feet.

So, a round of applause for David Guetta and Akon as they resoundingly destroyed runner-up Rihanna's “Rude Boy” in order to win my “Guilty Pleasure Song of 2010”!

www.ColumbusisFunny.com January Update!

www.ColumbusisFunny.com is the exclusive source for all things you need to know about Columbus stand-up comedy. It has been updated for January, including many shows featuring your favorite duo, Sumukh and Golak. Check out the line-up, then check out a show!

DMX interviewed about Joke Jams!

Joke Jams - January Edition is January 6th at 9PM @ Kafe Kerouac.

Featuring Comedy by Justin Golak, Chris Coen, and Anthony O'Connell. Music by Adam Smith.

Samuel Kingsley wishes you a Merry Christmas!

Samuel Kingsley (played by Sumukh Torgalkar) gives a brief history of Christmas. Pick up his new book, sold exclusively at The Book Rack!

Throwback Wednesday - Drug PSA Rip

One Football Fan, One Section, One Stadium

I enjoy football. I like playing the game. I like watching the game. However, I don't obsess over it or go entirely bananas over it. There is a certain level of expectations that I have with being a fan of the game, and my hope is that would be the same perspective that all fans would have, but of course, it is not.

Many people love going to concerts. I love music, but something about the concert atmosphere isn't as appealing to me. But, with football, the environment and atmosphere of watching a game live is unlike any other sport. Anywhere from 70,000 to over 100,000 people packed into a stadium cheering with the smell of beer in the air. It is an ambiance that is unique to the game itself.

I don't attend many football games – perhaps one or two per year at best, so it makes the moment in a season where I do go to a game that much more special. But what was once an enjoyable atmosphere of both cheers and jeers from crowds now seems to be getting ever more insane.

I spent part of my recent vacation in Miami, which allowed me to go see my team, the Cleveland Browns, play the Dolphins in Joe Robbie Stadium (there is no need to call it whatever sponsor now has the naming rights). The Browns have a loyal fan base, so it was no surprise that roughly 40% of the stadium was populated with Browns fans, and in the particular section I was in, it seemed there were more Browns fans than Dolphins fans. As I'd find out, most of the people were either abnormal or getting progressively intoxicated or both.

Within the first quarter, it became clear that we were seated in front of the most annoying woman I've ever dealt with at a sporting event (and potentially in life in general). At the most random times, she would yell comments. To me, there is an appropriate time to yell at a sporting event – a touchdown, a sack, an important completion, a controversial call. A 2-yard gain is not appropriate. There are also appropriate things to yell such as “Tackle him!” not “Murder him!” Also, it would be nice if obscenities weren't shouted out unless it was in fact an extremely crucial play or something really amazing did occur. It's also preferable if this profanity wasn't shouted while the child that you brought to the game was seated next to you. It also makes sense for you to not rip on your team's quarterback when your defense is out on the field and the quarterback hasn't done anything specifically wrong at this point in the game. It's also preferable that you not let out a blood-curdling scream randomly that makes Janet Leigh look like she was whispering.

To counter this Dolphins fan's yelling, the Browns had their fair share of representation. An elderly gentleman chose to yell roughly every 15 minutes for the coaching staff to run a play for Evan Moore. I've never encountered someone who had so much passion for a back-up tight end or actually just one specific play being run over and over again.

My expectations at that point was that this was going to be a long, annoying game dealing with these two characters. But, as the game progressed, people were getting further and further drunk, which made things far more entertaining and was probably for the best since it was turning out to be one of the more boring games I've ever seen live.

Two Dolphins fans began an inter-Latino racial back-and-forth (“Brown on Brown” argument may be an appropriate term). At first, I thought they were friends, but then it became apparent they were just drunk and jovially trash talking with one another about one of them being Cuban.

Added to these characters was the whole backdrop of the LeBron James move from Cleveland to Miami, which then led to a woman in a LeBron shirt having debris being thrown at her, which again she apparently had no problem with as she was drunkenly jovial along with the “Brown on Brown” Cuban guy.

Everything seemed fun again. In its own distorted way, it was bringing back the types of things that make football enjoyable.

Then, the Browns won on a last-second field goal and the game ended. That's when the two worlds – annoying and entertaining met in a storm of idiocy. The annoying woman decided to continue her rant about how “the Browns suck.” It's not a great idea to talk about a team sucking after your team just lost to them – you have to logically know your course with your trash talking. One of a crew of Browns fans attempted to calm her down, while also pointing out that the Browns had won. This only furthered the situation as she got up in his face. Well, this then prompted this guy's drunk girlfriend to want to get in on the action because the Dolphins fan was “up in her man's face.” She was restrained by others in her group. I exited the scene as fast as possible leaving behind my Dolphins stadium souvenir cup, which I should have had all these individuals autograph.

When it comes down to it, this has always been a part of football – alcohol, screaming, highs, lows. But, between a Browns fan tackling an 8-year old in a Jets jersey weeks earlier to this mix of shenanigans I experienced in Miami to plenty of other stories I've heard from friends with their experiences in other stadiums, people need to realize that a majority of fans in a stadium are there to see the game that they plunked down their hard-earned money to watch. Your expert advice need not be shouted (which, by the way, no one other than us can hear you...also, do you actually think coaches are factoring in your thoughts with their play calling?) at every second. Just watch, drink, and enjoy. Give the respect to the game that it deserves.

If you stop yourself from all the shouting and the negativity and the unnecessary portions of this world of competition, you can take in the type of feeling Daniel Ruettiger in Rudy had when he enters Notre Dame's stadium and says, “This is the most beautiful sight these eyes have ever seen.” However, please don't cry at the stadium in the same way that line makes you cry every time you watch the movie.

Fun and Awkward: A Brown Man's Guide to the Airport

I find racial profiling at the airport to be absurd (when I say absurd, I mean it in the form of the comically absurd and not in any form of anger towards the situation). So, as a brown man who travels alone and could potentially be confused along racial lines for being a terrorist, I take an absurd approach to being in the environment of an airport. In my mind, I have absolutely nothing to hide, and at 5'9” and 145 lbs., this is the only place where I can walk around and actually feel like I'm intimidating people. So, I play the role. I never smile. I look around as if trying to find the other guys in the operation. I relish the concerned looks on people's faces. Have I gotten pulled out of the line at the security checkpoint? Sure. The average brown man may be annoyed by airport racial profiling in its general form, but my annoyance actually comes in its implementation more so than its existence.

In the lead-up to my trip, I was hounded by the media coverage of the full body scanners and the concern over its potential violation of our privacy. Despite this issue and the numerous wrongs that have occurred to some individuals as a result of full body scanners and more intense checks, I found myself having no problems at all going through the security checkpoints.

Currently, the Columbus airport has decided to have TSA officers at gates as well to do further random checks (in this case, it was just checking the ID of each passenger prior to boarding the airplane). I was seated at my gate dressed casually – a T-shirt and jeans with a spring jacket and a Columbus Blue Jackets hat on my head. I could be confused more for an American (which I am) than a terrorist (which I am not). Then again, I could be a terrorist which the terrorist cell purposefully dressed up as to look American. “Give him a Columbus Blue Jackets hat...make him look like he's from the area! Plus, it's obscure—not like a Detroit Red Wings hat, which would make him seem too American and blow our cover!”

As I sat at my gate, I was reading David Cross's book, I Drink for a Reason. Two TSA officers were walking around the general area of the gate either doing nothing, talking to each other, or making general chit-chat with some of the people waiting with the subject matter being probably related to their vacations – since it was a flight to Orlando, there were a number of families on their way to Disney World. The two officers approached me a few minutes before boarding began for the flight as I was sitting reading my book. Here is loosely the transcript of the conversation:

TSA Female: “How's that book?”

Me: “Uhh, it's funny. I'm a fan of his stand-up comedy, so I like it.”

TSA Female: “Oh, what's it about?”

Me: “Well, basically, each chapter is him just picking a topic and then making fun of it or making points and joking around about it.”

TSA Female: “Oh, so it's a comedy book?”

Me: “Yes.”

The conversation went on like this until I finally admitted I was a stand-up comedian (to be honest, if you want to get the TSA off your back, use this line even if you're not a stand-up comedian – once they know you tell jokes, this automatically means you are no longer a threat under the apparent notion that “he's funny, so he couldn't possibly kill us”). The male TSA officer then talked to me about comedy which culminated in him asking to see my name not for any actual security purposes but rather to say that he wanted to tell people that he met me if I ever make it big. Given how long my name is and how uneventful this experience was for him, I'd be impressed if he remembers who I am. I will be more impressed if I actually become famous.

All in all, the main point of this situation is the uselessness and ridiculousness of the conversation as a whole. In it, both the TSA officers and myself know what's going on. I'm being judged purely by my looks. While I'm not for that, I understand it, and have nothing to hide. However, what's silly is the notion of trying to cover up racial profiling. Over the course of the conversation with both officers, their supposed cover for the conversation got shredded apart. It began with the female officer not even realizing it was a comedy book, thus acknowledging that she had no idea who David Cross was, so why even express an interest in the book? On top of that is the silly connection being made that a man reading a book called I Drink for a Reason could be deemed threatening (again, I'm willing to sidestep this notion under the idea that my terrorist cell Americanized me for this trip or if, in fact, it's revealed that 9/11 terrorists were reading Keyshawn Johnson's Just Give Me The Damn Ball! prior to their actions). The male officer's conversation with me about comedy only further concluded that he knew little about the subject – he likewise had no idea who David Cross was and did not know Arrested Development when I referenced it as a show that Cross had been on.

Essentially, rather than this sideshow of faking the racial profiling involved with some sort of mask of interest in talking to me, I'd much rather you just not question me or just ask me for my identification to review. I do not mind having an awkward but pleasant conversation as this one was, but given the actual content of the talk, it seems so silly for there to even have been a back-and-forth between us. Absurdity exists because there is no humanity left in this entire process. Just as people feel they are sacrificing their rights to enter body scanners, I feel I'm sacrificing my authenticity as a human being. If you wish to talk to me, talk to me out of an actual interest in the conversation. If you wish to talk to me under suspicion, then follow the necessary reasonable guidelines to check who I am, and let's get this over with.

In conclusion, I returned home safely. I live to travel and intimidate once again.

Throwback Wednesday - Sean Paul Interview

This is one of my favorite things from me and Sumukh's Public Access days. It is stupidly long, hilariously edited, and quite ridiculous, but it's a kind of ridiculousness I find endearing. I hope you enjoy as well.

Old School Minute - Black Rob - Whoa!

If you don't remember Black Rob, then you are most people. He came to be around the year 2000 when he dropped his first album "Life Story." The album was released under Puff Daddy's (I believe he still went by that at that time) label, Bad Boy Records.

Not to be confused with White Rob.

If you remember anything about Black Rob, you probably remember the first, and only, single off that record, "Whoa!"

The thing that always sticks with me about "Whoa!" is that it clearly wanted to introduce the word Whoa into the American lexicon. It even has a quick introduction to the word at the beginning of the video, informing you that, "When you see somethin' ill, you know what I mean, that shit is whoa." Oh, I know what you mean.

And honestly, it's not that far fetched or novel an idea. Rap music has been giving us slang since its inception, including the word "ill" that B.R. uses in his definition of Whoa. Even label-mate Puffy had success bringing the term "Benjamin" to the mainstream when he made a song claiming "it" was "all about them." And it's this usual success hip hop has in bringing us words, that makes instances like this very funny to me. It's like watching one of your friends try and self-apply a nickname and having it ultimately denied by the friend group.

But, as stated earlier, for every failure, there are plenty of other great successes. When B.G. released the song "Bling Bling", the namesake of that song took the world by storm. It went down the sacred path of all other great words and phrases that came before it. That path: born in the streets, loved and spread by youth culture, and finally dying when it appears in commercials and becomes regularly used by your mom and her friends. And I personally think that it's very nice and fitting that the song opens with a tribute to its less fortunate brethren.

Clips from Joke Jams - Christmas Spectacular!

Some clips from Joke Jams at Kafe Kerouac on December 9th. Next show is January 6th at Kafe Kerouac at 9PM. Check out the clips then check out a show live -- always the first Thursday of every month!

For more info about upcoming Joke Jams shows or any shows around Columbus, check out ColumbusisFunny.com.

Throwback Wednesday - Sumukh & Golak Face-Off

You know sometimes when your favorite tv show gets low on ideas and they throw in some stuff that seems kind of like fluff. You know when your favorite Public Access show does it...

My Meeting (Kind of) with a Celebrity (Kind of)

After finding evidence (a.k.a. Internet stalking), I can confirm that I sat in the same row on my flight to Los Angeles with Goo Goo Dolls frontman John Rzeznik. Your initial reaction to this statement was probably one of these responses:

1. “Wow. Did you talk to him?”
2. “That’s cool.”
3. “Who cares?”

To answer all three of your potential responses, “No,” “Yeah, I guess,” and “I’m not sure that I do.” Here’s how my interaction with John (the former Johnny…from evidence gathered, he apparently is now more formal with the preferred use of John) went.

It was a morning flight, and I was in and out of random naps or reading Nick Hornby’s Fever Pitch. By the end of the flight, with a package of cookies (they were more like a British biscuit) and a cup of tomato juice (yeah, I’m that prick on the flight) in my stomach, my eyes met with the man sitting across the row. I was about to look away when I realized that the gentleman looked familiar to me. I stared further, he kind of acknowledged my stare, and then I realized I knew who he was or at least I thought I knew he was. He was the lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls. But, I wasn’t entirely sure he was the lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls as I had not seen this guy on television in years. Knowing myself, I knew that there was one of three possibilities as to who this guy was:

1. Just some dude and I confused him for the Goo Goo Dolls lead singer
2. The Goo Goo Dolls lead singer
3. The Ultimate Warrior without his make-up on (highly possible with my strong interest in classic pro wrestling and the nature of this guy’s face)

The other problem with the situation was that I could not remember the name of the lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls. I knew it was Johnny and there was a Rz and another z in there but I guessed it as Johnny Rzyznski – some kind of combination of John Rzeznik and former tennis pro Greg Rusedski.

So, I had one of two options: not say a word or go up to Mr. Rzeznik and say, “Are you the lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls?” The sad thing is that I’m sure he’s heard this question randomly many times yet the sadder fact is the person asking this question is not even acknowledging how moronic of a question this is. You probably shouldn’t ask a person if they are in fact a particular person especially when you can’t remember their actual name. So, I chose to say nothing.

But, in hindsight, I’m not sure what the point of thinking about this potential conversation was. Of the three reactions that I listed after the first paragraph, I usually fall in the categories of #2 or #3 when it comes to celebrities. I still see them as people, and unless it was someone that was truly a personal idol to me or had some giant impact on the world, I’m not sure what good it is in actually talking to them. The strongest impact that the Goo Goo Dolls have had on my life has been that “Iris” and “Slide” have been stuck in my head since I saw this guy yesterday. So, at best, Mr. Rzeznik would have acknowledged that he was, in fact, the lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls and I would have had to come up with something on the spot anywhere from “You’ve produced fine music. Thank you.” to “I made out with a girl to ‘Closing Time’…shit, that wasn’t you guys.”

In the end, I guess I take nothing from celebrity sightings. I think they’re cool, but I don’t know what else to really do unless I actually get introduced to the person and we have a real conversation. In the end, with Mr. Rzeznik, I think it worked out for the best. From his stare back to me, it seemed apparent to me that he didn’t want me to know who he was, which of course completely contradicts his message in his most popular song to date. Let us judge him as a fraud now.

Bruce Springsteen Vs. John Mellencamp

This is a video I cut up almost a year ago now, and I originally just threw it together based off something funny that happened between me and a friend at a party. I didn't make it to really broadcast or spread around the interwebs. Not for any privacy reasons, I just didn't think it had any legs if you didn't know the story. I watched it again today and thought it had some funny substance outside of inside-joke-land, but also, I can preface it with the story.

Nothing too exciting. Basically, me and a friend were at a party and the song "Authority Song" came on. Someone outside of our conversation asked who sang it, and for some reason, I blurted out, "Bruce Springsteen." I didn't think that was the right answer while I was saying it, and immediately said that it was John Mellencamp and I had no idea why I said Bruce Springsteen. I actually thought John Mellencamp in my head, but for some reason when I went to say it, Bruce Springsteen came out. We all had a laugh and then I went on to joke that it didn't really matter anyways since they were essentially the same guy. The rest of the night proceeded with me and my friend drunkenly singing "Authority Song" to the tune of "Glory Days" and vice versa.

I made this video the next day.

Joke Jams Christmas Spectacular! - December 9th

Like the way I write stupid things? See me say stupid things live! I, Justin Golak, will be on stage for the Joke Jams Christmas Spectacular Thursday, December 9th with awesome comics Laura Sanders and Sean Somerville. Musical guest Drawing Airplanes will be playing a special Holiday inspired set! Check out the Facebook Event.

Also, check out the new commercial for the event here.

Throwback Wednesday - Erectral Commercial

Just like most comedians back in the day, we took a stab at making fun of Viagra. Boners are always funny, eh?